Rockallians recognised in Queen's Birthday Honours

"Surprised!" "Astounded!" "So honoured!" "Couldn't give a tupenny fuc*k." These were some of the exclamations heard in The Fighting Dog and Pikey this week afternoon, when the Queen's Honours were found to include several of the sacred islet's local characters.

Never before have so many of Rockall's inhabitants been thrust into the limelight by receiving high accolades from Her Imperial Majestyness Queen Liz II.

The honours include:

Mr. Vincent "Vince" Venison, Landlord. For services to the furtherance of alcoholism and pub brawls, Mr. Venison is hereby awarded the OBE.

Vince commented upon his award: "I received this fancy looking letter the other morning and thought it was another bit of junk mail from Purple Loans, so I left it on the mantelpiece for the wife to chuck it out. It was only when she read it and pointed out that the Purple Loans logo isn't three lions passant and their customer services division isn't headed by Queen Elizabeth the Second that I took a blind bit of notice. I still had the vague idea that this was a wind up from one of the locals. But when my OBE was announced in the Court Circular section of The Daily Gannet I realised it had to be true. Fuc*k me ragged, I thought I'd die unrecognised and in utter obscurity, but now I'm an OBE! What is an OBE?"

Mrs. Edna Potato, Retired postmistress. For services to rudeness, poor service and outright hostility to the general public, Mrs. Potato is hereby made a Dame.

Mrs. Potato was unfortunately unavailable for comment due to being poorly in hospital with bird flu. However, her daughter gave us a few words: "Mum is understandably chuffed with her honour. She spent 43 happy years behind the counter of the local Post Office and throughout all that time she was a miserable old bitch. I'm sure if she had ever cracked a smile to one of the customers her knicker elastic would have snapped. She even got a certificate from the Royal Mail, proclaiming her as the worst tempered employee of 1962. We will all be celebrating her honour with a little shindig in the local — she doesn't snuff it overnight."

Colonel Hilary Macready-Smythe, Blues and Royals, retired. For long military service and the furtherance of upper class snobbishness, Colonel Macready-Smythe is hereby awarded a knighthood.

The Colonel was asked for a few words, but our reporter was threatened with a shotgun and told to "Bug*ger off of my land, you filthy peasant."

Doubtless the Fighting Dog and Pikey will be bursting to the seams with revellers and well-wishers, celebrating the islet's collective honours. Indeed, Vince has signified his boundless enthusiasm by advertising Blue WKD at £1.50 a bottle for an hour during the evening and also free cheese and guano rolls, all you can eat, but there is a three roll per person limit, subject to availability.

Previously

• Rockall to honour Camilla Parker Bowles-Saxe-Coburg
• Rockallians pay homage to St Rupert the Killjoy
• 'Red Carpet of Death' scuppers Gates' knighthood