Government promises extended alphabet by 2004

Voters to gain 'at least two letters'

by Lester Haines

The government has announced that it is to extend the existing 26-character English alphabet by "at least two letters" by 2004. It has confirmed that it is currently considering a range of possible inclusions which "more adequately reflect the multi-cultural face of modern Britain".

Tony Blair has made much political mileage out of the proposal, and is accusing the Tories of failing to deliver on past election promises. "Eighteen years of Tory linguistic mis-management added not one single symbol to our language," he told the Commons. "We in the Labour Party are committed to having a new consonant in every classroom before the end of 2003 and a full set of foreign diphthongs available to the NHS by 2008."

Blair was quick to dismiss opposition questions about the immense cost of expanding the alphabet, noting that "the entire process will be funded by a private-public partnership and managed by former Railtrack directors".

Exact details as to which letters will eventually be selected are being kept strictly under wraps. We understand, however, that the government is under pressure from the right to reinstate the Anglo-Saxon "ash" (æ), "thorn" (þ) and "eth" (ð), which were lost following "our disastrous entry into Europe in 1066".

Others, however, are pressing strongly for a Continental orthography which they hope will resolve long-standing disputes on how words are pronounced. "It's all a matter of stress," one bespectacled linguist told us. "It's been nearly sixty years and we still don't know if the Americans bombed Hiróshima or Hiroshíma." He added that there was a strong case for adopting an American-style "phonetic" approach to spelling, thereby eliminating at a stroke notoriously complicated combinations of letters such as "theatre", "tyre" and "axe".

Ethic minorities have weighed in with their own set of demands. The UK's Chinese community is thought to be in favour of a 700-character alphabet, with sweet and sour pork and Peking duck being favoured with their own new Anglo-pictograms. Three thousand illegal immigrants last week torched a Home Counties detention centre after learning that Slavic symbols had not made the short list. Those of West Indian origin, on the other hand, have expressed themselves "delighted" that a team of linguistic experts has been appointed to examine how best to represent the sharp clicking intake of breath much beloved of those black Londoners temporarily adopting a Jamaican accent.

Meanwhile, many pundits are predicting disater for the proposal. "Whatever the government decides, it will just alienate some or other part of the electorate. In the end, it's likely that Blair will just adopt the whole lot and reduce the language to anarchy." A government spokesman strongly refuted this prediction: "ðatz komplæt ßóløx," he said.

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Government promises extended alphabet by 2004

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