Marauding kids terrorise northern Congo (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

ITV's head of Entertainment, David Ointment, was this week fighting a rearguard action over the decision to cancel Hoolie Swap, a reality tv show in which child fighters in central Africa change places with young kids from British housing estates. "Carnage," was how one Red Cross official described the events that took place in Uganda and northern Congo. "There were kids as young as nine beating up chimpanzees and filming it on their mobile phones."

The idea first surfaced at an ITV executive meeting in January. Production company, BallAche, responsible for prime time feasts such as How Dirty is Your Language, Celebrity Fluids Swap, and Punch a Sailor in the Eye, submitted the idea to take two hundred child fighters from sub-Saharan war zones and swap them for two hundred 8-17 year olds from estates in Peckham, Halifax, Darlington and Lancaster. "It's a cultural study," said Marsha Jangles (27ish), Chairman of BallAche. "We decided that the similarities between the two lifestyles were worth highlighting and see what debate it would generate."

No-one could have predicted what would happen next. The pilot episode which was due to have been broadcast on 14 June has been shelved indefinitely. Richard Fiorentini of UNICEF described how a gang of hooded teenagers hijacked relief trucks on the way to the village of Imbaka. "They ransacked it. By the time they had finished there was nothing left of it. I think they were angry because there was no alcohol being transported." A 13-year-old boy interviewed for Hoolie Swap who took part in the raid said: "It were like a reet old lorry so we stopped it by lyin in the road except they're not roads round ere they're just like mud tracks wi big oles in em and when this lorry stopped we all piled in and just wrecked it like and there was no stereo in it or anythin..."

In another village four hundred miles away, locals reported a disturbance when a gang of up to 120 youths went on a drunken rampage through the village's grain store. "It ad fuc*k all in it except all this rice stuff," said twelve-year-old Britney from Halifax. "Who wants to eat all that shit, fuc*kin rice all day. I bet they all eat curry as well." Her three mates, Kylie, Kylie and Danni all agreed. "There's fuc*k all round ere," said Kylie, a thirteen year old also from Halifax. "Some bloke who couldn't talk proper told us nearest cinema is four thousand miles away."

An exodus of people, possibly as many as twelve thousand, left their villages in eastern Uganda when news spread that a large group of young white children in baseball caps were advancing on the region. Mbeki Thanzo, a village elder from a farming community called Atasha, said the fear was indescribable. Through a translator he told The Rockall Times: "At first we thought it was the LRA (Lords Resistance Army) approaching. But a message reached us that the mob of children were from the Rylands estate of Lancaster and had already burned villagers out of their houses in Bafanza and Shenshasi. We are hoping we can cross the border into Burundi."

News soon reached them that the border with Burundi, as well as those of Rwanda and Kenya, were also closed in an attempt to stop the spreading violence. "We have seen nothing like this since ebola broke out three years ago," said Robert Sanguna, a police official working on the Ugandan-Burundi border. "Who are these people? They are like phantoms with their hoods and the weapons; little hand held things that don't fire bullets, but they always point them at their victims."

The production team for BallAche contacted their London headquarters four weeks after filming started to tell them that the project was spiralling out of control. "We started with two hundred kids," said Mike Ballack, director, and within ten days we had lost two thirds of them. Then we started to receive news of the attacks." A mining company in northern Angola is preparing contingency plans to pull its staff out of the region until security is restored.

In sharp contrast to the experience in Africa, filming in Britain also had to be halted after two weeks. The child fighters, some as young as six years old, had their Kalashnikovs confiscated on day one by traffic police in Yorkshire and Lancashire. The children were then subjected to a series of racist attacks and abuse from local UKIP and BNP party representatives. All but three of the children were detained by immigration officials and held in special temporary blocks in Broadmoor, Wormwood Scrubs, and Ashworth Hospital. The three remaining children managed to escape to a nearby school and within four days sat and passed six A-level exams.

Peter Meriwether, assistant director of Hoolie Swap and based in Britain, issued a press release: "It is with regret that Hoolie Swap will be suspended for the immediate future. Whilst lessons have been learned we admit that the scale of the project and the resources necessary were seriously underestimated. We apologise to the eleven parents of the two hundred British participants and I can assure them that we are doing everything we can to locate them. All off licenses and shopping centres in central Africa are being searched as we speak. The Homely Office has contacted me to say that they are not considering any prosecutions against the African participants, except for one Sudanese ten-year-old, known only as Ahmed, who they want to question on suspicion of being a Muslim."

A parent of one of the boys currently somewhere in Africa said she was pleased he had been given the opportunity to travel. "I asked him to bring some cigs back with him but knowing him he'll have smoked em all by now." Asked if she was concerned about the stories surrounding the aborted programme, the parent, Pauline Tremble, from 49 Neville Chamberlain Close, Darlington, who wished to remain anonymous, said: "Nah, they're just havin a good time. They won't get an opportunity like this again, will they. Not until they come ome anyway."

As The Rockall Times was going to press a video appeared on an African website made by a gang of up to fifty youths on the outskirts of the capital of Congo, Kinshasa. "Everyone talks like posh people," a boy known only as Jason is heard saying, "fings like 'we haf too bake dee bread, my school was burned down but I am heppee'." He is pushed aside by a group of four girls singing Sound of the Underground. "It's not as 'ot as I fort it would be," says another sixteen year old boy who identifies himself as SnifferDog from the Peckham East Massive. "It's like freezin at night, all the Hooch has run out and you can't fuc*kin buy Loctite anywhere for love nor money..." "Or top-up cards," says another girl. "I'm gonna get one of them clockwork phones but with Desperate Housewives cover but I don't know yet what ringtone, not that fuc*kin crazy frog, I might get I don't know, fuc*kin... what..." She makes way for her friend Kylie, from Croydon: "Hiya mum, can you tell Jason I'm not comin back. And can you post me me Jodie Walsh tee-shirt cause I'm goin out tomorrow night. It's in me third draw down. Oh an tell me gran sorry for missin her birthday but I'll get her somethin next week." She is followed by two boys from Gravesend: "Fuc*kin massive!! Fuc*kin beats Maidenhead. Missin me Corsa, but hijacked a Fuc*kin Nissan Patrol yesterday." "And you burst three fuc*kin tyres on it, ya minger..." It is believed at this point either the battery or the phone card expired.

Marauding kids terrorise northern Congo

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