Emperor Mourinho threatens fabric of time and space

Emperor Jose Mourniho of Stamford Bridge — reportedly planning a 500-ft-high bronze statue of himself astride the Thames following the Blues' capture of the Premiership title last Saturday — now poses a threat to the very fabric of time and space, frantic scientists warn.

Mourinho's legendary self-satisfaction attained such proportions after the victory that boffins entrusted with monitoring potentially planet-threatening egos say it might go "right off the scale". One visibly-shaken man in a white coat and goggles told The Rockall Times: "What concerns us is what might happen if Chelsea take the Champions League. At present, we believe Mourinho's ego might be kept in check by the emergency deployment of nuclear weapons, but another trophy in the cupboard and it's Goodnight Vienna, I'm afraid."

Asked to clarify the threat, the trembling man continued: "Sporting egos are measured in Fergusons. The average red-faced Scotsman will emit around one Ferguson, rising to 1.5 Fergusons following a successful title campaign, and perhaps peaking at two Fergusons for a few days after a triumphant treble. However, Mourinho already registered a consistent two Fergusons before Chelsea had even won a game. That's dangerously high — enough to trigger sub-oceanic earthquakes thousands of miles away.

"On Saturday, though, our equipment measured a momentary peak of 3.2. What worries us is that, were the Blues to secure the European crown, he might red-needle it at five-plus Fergusons."

Pausing momentarily to take a swig of pure vodka from his Bolton Wanderers mug, our informant continued: "That would be catastrophic. The fabric of space and time is simply not sufficently robust to survive the immense power emanating from a super-inflated Portuguese ego. It's strong enough to break apart the electromagnetic bond between quarks. That means a total collapse at sub-atomic level as protons and neutrons literally fall apart. We're looking at the entire universe reduced to a seething mass of primordeal particles — a bit like cream of mushroom soup, but without croutons, naturally."

Pressed as to how humanity might counter the hyper-inflated Mourinho ego menace, our by-now-sobbing boffin concluded: "Just pray for a Liverpool victory."

See also

• No-one loves me, cries Emperor Mourinho
• Crowds flock to the miracle chair of Porto
• Chelsea's Mourinho lays down the law