Wobble-free Blair hails new world order

Labour faithful cock-a-hoop, bearded ragheads tremble

by Stowbury

The Labour faithful were in high spirits last week after their leader finally bowed to persistent pressure and restored one of their cherished ideals to the top of the political agenda. Earlier in the month local party activists were incensed as Mr Blair drove another coach and horses through core party values, leading them off on a personal crusade of reconciliation with the Trade Unions.

Tony Blair: New World order But all that was forgotten when he emerged from Number 10 shoulder to shoulder with Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi and immediately proved that he still had the guts for war by declaring a second one on his grateful counterpart's country.

Mr Allawi beamed as the British Premier vowed to "smash the crucible of global terrorism" now located "slap bang in the middle of the Sunni triangle" and unleash a glowing fireball of retribution that would bring forth cheers of frenzied anticipation from the remaining citizens of Fallujah and Baghdad as it swept through the streets to incinerate them in a liberating holocaust of democratic joy.

It was the kind of fighting talk that traditional supporters in the run-down backstreets of Birmingham and Leicester South had been crying out for in the summer to give them the courage to enter the by-election polling booths. But Mr Blair had deserted them, unwilling to talk on the subject ever since the prisoner abuse scandal at Abu Ghraib had hit the headlines in April and plunged him into a dark night of the soul, his brain almost ripped to shreds by the insoluble conundrum inherent in the nightmare discovery of good guys apparently doing bad.

Only a few weeks earlier the Prime Minister had marched into his Sedgefield heartland and stood triumphant on the podium to announce the imminent disbanding of the United Nations and its replacement by the World Authority of Good Texan Folks and Best Buddies, dedicated to the extermination of "unspeakably evil régimes, filthy dictators and foul, smelly, unshaven terrorist cells and germs wherever they may lurk".

It was his finest moment. Yet six months later the creaky old UN is still in place, preventing the immediate overthrow of countless tyrannies through its slavish adherence to byzantine procedures and protocol. The onset of the new world order is stalled, and all because the fraternity pranks of a group of college kids left in charge over the weekend at an off-campus dormitory west of Baghdad got a bit out of hand.

Under strict instructions to gently initiate their charges into the comforts of the free world with neatly made apple pie beds and the occasional bucket of water poised delicately above the cell door, they were led astray by a sinister emissary from the Pentagon known only by the code name "The Cat in the Hat", who turned up as soon as the oldies were gone with a fantastic party box of hoods, batteries, dog collars and jump leads and a blueprint for a cool kind of eco-friendly pyramid to be constructed out of organic local materials.

The mystery agent set the hi-jinks in motion and vanished into the desert sands, never to be traced. In an odd coincidence a zip-up suit fitting the description was seen on sale at the May Day bazaar of the Church of the Holy Trinity in Washington, a regular place of worship for Mr Donald Rumsfeld and his wife Joyce, and other leading figures in the Republican administration.

At a private dinner with Mr Allawi after the Sunday press conference, with Cherie at his side and selected diplomatic guests in attendance, Mr Blair offered a rare glimpse into the painful disillusionment he had felt over Abu Ghraib.

"You know, making them strip off completely stark naked before climbing on top of each other. Our lads — our girls and boys, I mean," he corrected himself, as he felt a sharp thump in the ribs from the eminent QC beside him, "would never have gone that far."

"Once you go that far," he continued, "you're on a slippery slope. Apparently no-one even got to the top to plant a flag."

"Idiot Rumsfeld!" Cherie snorted indignantly.

"Yes, I kept telling him before he set off: 'Obey the Geneva Convention. At least let the prisoners wear rubber suction caps on their knees and foreheads. Then you can build a pyramid five times as high.' But would he listen?"

The prime minister leant back and sighed. "What a sight that would have been! I'd have gone up there myself with the Union Jack." Turning tenderly to his wife he added "You could have come with me."

"Could I, Tony?" Mrs Blair murmured, and took his hand fondly in hers. "How lovely!"

Guests at the table felt privileged to witness a display of such natural affection between the nation's premier couple, as they sat shoulder to shoulder with a faraway gaze in their eyes, wistfully contemplating the glorious photo opportunity that got away.

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Wobble-free Blair hails new world order

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