War: What every parent should know

With war against Iraq now seemingly a matter of days, if not minutes, away, The Rockall Times has compiled a dossier of essential information which could mean the difference between life and death for you and your children.

Those readers lucky enough to have survived the 1982 Falklands conflict will doubtless recall those terrifying weeks when the very future of our nation hung in the balance, threatened as it was by a highly organised and heavily armed Argentina boasting the latest in French missile technology, US battle cruisers and napalm-bearing Brazilian aircraft.

As history records, it was a close-run thing. At one point Argentinian naval forces came within 5,000 miles of the UK mainland — a mainland ill prepared for frontal assault by fanatical Argie conscripts and scrap metal dealers. Only the heroic intervention of Colonel "H" Jones finally averted disaster as the posthumous VC single-handedly attacked the General Belgrano strapped to a torpedo.

Some would say his sacrifice was in vain. Our children do not, as promised, gambol laughing through sunlit meadows to the sound of Vaughn Williams, but rather run sobbing to their mothers pursued by gangs of predatory paedophile Albanian asylum seekers to a backdrop of Eminem. This is why we are fighting — for a better future for our kiddies and our kiddies' kiddies. And when war comes, as it surely will, it is the responsibility of every parent to ensure that their child has the best possible chance of survival against a ruthless and determined enemy.

The threat

Make no mistake, Saddam Hussein and his al-Qaeda allies have amassed a chilling arsenal of weapons of mass destruction. It has been estimated that Hussein has stockpiled enough Sarin nerve gas to kill 1.7 million hamsters and sufficient mustard gas to blanket an area equivalent to 875 football pitches with choking death. If laid end-to-end, Iraqi al-Samoud II missiles would stretch the length of 1,250 double-decker buses parked bumper-to-bumper.

Sickenenly, Hussein has also developed nuclear "dirty bomb" technology. Detonation of such a device in, say, London's Piccadilly Circus would pretty well resolve the London congestion issue — permanently.

It is perfectly reasonable to suggest that Hussein will — if attacked — use all of these weapons against the UK mainland. He'll probably use anthrax and smallpox too. Millions will die. This is why we are fighting.

How to protect your children

Survival depends on being prepared. You must be absolutely clear on this: failure to properly legislate for a multi-pronged attack on the UK will result in the death of your child. The government has issued the following list of basic precautions which every responsible parent should read and, in the event of war with Iraq, immediately execute:

1. Panic buy the following essential items: Flour, sugar, petrol, toilet paper, plastic sheeting, gaffa tape and a year's supply of Dairy Lea Luncheables and Sunny D.
2. Use the plastic sheeting and gaffa tape to seal up the doors and windows of your designated "safe room". Once inside this quarantined area, you are completely safe from all forms of nuclear, bacteriological and chemical attack. Remain in this room until told it is safe to leave, or until the Sunny D runs out, whichever is the sooner.
3. Use the plastic sheeting and gaffa tape to seal up the doors and windows of your MPV. This is in case of surprise al-Qaeda attack while you are double-parked outside the infant school. Once inside this quarantined area, you are completely safe from all forms of nuclear, bacteriological and chemical attack. Remain in the car until told it is safe to leave, or until the Sunny D runs out, whichever is the sooner. Pass the time by joining queues at petrol stations, whether you need fuel or not. This will make you feel that you are doing everything possible to protect your children.
4. Turn off the television. Small children are easily scared, especially by documentaries demonstrating in graphic detail the effects of an al-Qaeda dirty bomb detonated in, say, London's Piccadilly Circus. If your children cannot exist for more than 15 minutes without television — as a result of being kept indoors since birth as a precaution against abduction by gangs of predatory paedophile Albanian asylum seekers — at least turn down the sound. Such programmes tend to favour a doom-laden baritone narrator and apocalyptic synth soundtrack.
5. Keep a clockwork radio tuned to emergency frequencies at all times. These will relay essential information as to the whereabouts of small supplies of petrol for which you can queue to pass the time until the all-clear sounds.
6. Make sure that your children have plenty of educational reading material. Desperate as things may seem, remember that a post-war Britain will need a new generation of literate and well-informed citizens to ensure that future generations will never again suffer the horrors of armed conflict. We recommend: Noddy in Ragheadland, Five go mad at the UN Security Council and Harry Potter and the missile of al-Samoud.
7. Most important of all, don't panic. Your children's lives may depend on you keeping a level head. Having proper information as to the scale and scope of any threat will enable you to make adequate provision for enemy attack. The government is the only reliable source of unbiased scientific data as to how Saddam Hussein, if unchallenged, will kill millions of innocent kiddies whose only crime was to ask: "Mummy, why doesn't nice uncle Tony go and smack those bad, bad Iraqis?" Remember, this is why we are fighting.

Next week in The Mail on Sunday:

• Chile con carnage: How that UN Security Council vote will cost the lives of billions
• Baghdad Airburst: Precision-guided style tips to create that must-have distressed look for your home

See also

• That new UK terror law: What every parent should know
• Chechnya: What every parent should know
• Sudan special: The chilling facts no parent can ignore
• West Nile virus: What every parent should know
• GM crops: What every parent should know
• Immigrants: What every parent should know