There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
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  Monday 3rd July 2006  Sport   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Rockall launches audacious World Cup 2022 bid

Arthur 'Big Dick' Scolari in shock move
by Arthur Minnit

In a shock move today, Arthur "Big Dick" Scolari (49) led the call for Rockall to be the hosts of the 2022 FIFA World Cup.

A press conference was called and the cream of the World's sporting media was invited to witness the historic bid, jointly sponsored by Sicilian Concrete Shoes Weekly, and The Fighting Dog and Pikey, (the Premier League of Rockall drinking establishments, now with clean pipes).

Symbolically taking control of the pub in the time-honoured frutie cashbox key exchange ceremony, the Fighting Dog and Pikey's new landlord Scolari — so called because his fathers name was also Scolari — declared: "Itsa bouta fuc*kin; time innnit, dat we 'ad the fuc*kin' worl' cup 'ere innit!"

He went on, again in an impeccable comedy Italian accent: "Ifa dat fuc*kin' John Motson, (54), come ahere, I gonna slit eem upa treata! Seea 'ow he like-a dat, da fuc*kin' anorak-a."

When questioned about the sacred islet's complete lack of football stadia, signore Scolari, as he insisted upon being called, said: "Donta you worry bouta dat, old fruity, me anda my, ahem, associatesa froma Sicily are-a gonna arrange all thata!"

With that, Senor Scolari ended the press conference, and made several threatening gestures towards your intrepid reporter.

Our attempts at further invesigation into the matter quickly ran into trouble when several large men in pinstriped suits and carrying violin cases warned: "There'sa nuttin to-a see here-a, so va fan*gul or-a you be-a sleep wid da fishes!"

Undaunted, your brave reporter availed himself of several Ordinance Survey maps of the island, a satellite photo and a quick surf on the internet, where, it appears, you can get a pills to enlarge the size of your penis for only £2.50 each.

A swift interpretation of the available material revealed that the only flat area on the island is, in fact, the car park to the rear of the Fighting Dog and Pikey.

We telephoned the Mayor of Rockall, a Mr Alberto "Mad Dog" Scolari, and asked him about the islands plans to improve the infrastructure to accommodate the expected influx of visitors to the island for the planned 64 games, featuring the cream of the worlds footballing talent.

Sadly, he was unavailable for comment, but his secretary, Ms Angelina "Sudden Death" Scolari (35) told us; "Getta da fuc*k outa my-a office!"

So there you have it, you now know as much as we do about the bid. Rumours that there will be a further announcement concerning the bid were last night circulating the public bar of the Pikey, and Darren Goran Eriksson (17) took time off from playing the "Bike & Paedophile" fruit machine to confess: "Dont tell anyone I told you, but that Scolari bloke touched my arse yesterday!"

Investigations are continuing.

Previously

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