Rockallian issues heartfelt Mel Gibson apology

A noted Rockall artist has issued a lengthy apology to Hollywood star Mel Gibson for remarks he made to a police officer during his arrest for drunk driving, we can exclusively report.

Abraham "Mad Max" Fleischman — whose works include The Passion of the Black Fella (a lurid, nine-hour video installation representing the 1879 martyrdom of Jarrah O'Reilly at Koolyanobbing and Cry Culloden!, a one-tenth scale model of the famous battle sculpted entirely from deep-fried Mars Bars — was pulled last month on Rockall's Atlantic Highway on suspicion of driving under the influence. He immediately let forth a string of invective including the inflammatory: "The Aussies are responsible for all the wars in the world. Hey, you look like that cun*t Mel Gibson. Are you a Aussie?"

International reaction to the outburst was swift. The Australian ambassador to Rockall, Bi`nh "Bruce" Bui, immediately called for a boycott of all Fleischman exhibitions worldwide, slamming his remarks as "pure racism"; the International Council of Australian Elders moved quickly to condemn the "sickness of anti-Antipodeanism which permeates Rockall society"; and the Australian Arts and Culture Executive immediately pledged to withdraw its funding for Fleischman's planned Holocaust film project, slated to star Alan Rickman as a sneering English concentration camp commandant who mercilessly persecutes Scottish Jews during the Nazi-led Highland clearances of 1940-45.

Fleischman was quick to respond to the furious assault with a personal and heartfelt apology to the Australian community written entirely by his tearful press agent. It reads:

There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Australian remark.

I want to apologise specifically to everyone in the Australian community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.

I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life.

Every human being is God's child, and if I wish to honour my God I have to honour his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Australian. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.

I'm not just asking for forgiveness.

I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Australian community, with whom I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.

I have begun an ongoing programme of recovery and what I am now realising is that I cannot do it alone.

Subsequent to his healtfelt plea to the Australian community, Fleischman appeared in Rockal Magistrates' Court where he was fined £10 and ordered to take an intensive course in Australian cultural and historic highlights. He has, however, declined an invitation by Aussie PM John Howerd to apologise publicly on 26 January (Australia Day) due to "work committments" including a series of tense power lunches with his irate Australian financiers.

Previously

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