God up before the beak (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

There was s ense of shocked disbelief at the offices of The Rockall Times this morning as reports flooded in that God had been banged up overnight.

God: The Worse for wear Allegedly, Our Lord had been out on the sauce from yesterday lunchtime, carrying on into the small hours of this morning. He was found by police officers at approximately 2:30 am, a few doors down from "Blondz" nightclub in Southend-On-Sea, a popular nightspot with the local Breezer-fuelled slappers of the town.

A police spokesrozzer told our reporter: "I was on routine patrol with my colleague, PC Spanner early this morning when we spotted a figure slumped in a doorway. It turned out the figure was obviously the worse for wear in drink. He was clad in nothing but a long white flowing robe, which I am afraid to say it was obvious he had soiled. He was also covered in vomit and the remnants of what we believe to be a large doner kebab with extra chilli sauce were matting his long white beard."

"As we attempted to revive the unfortunate old man, he came round and abused us with foul language and threats. "Don't you fuc*kers know who I am?" the gentleman rounded upon us, and began to wave his arms wildly and in a most dangerous manner. My self and PC Spanner had to use reasonable force to restrain the man and conduct him to the Station. After the suspect had regained consciousness, we took him before the custody sergeant."

Sergeant Bob Plank took up the story: "After cautioning the suspect, I attempted to take down his particulars. Yes, ha ha very funny, you know what I mean. Anyway, I asked the suspect his name. 'God, Yahweh, Jehovah, pick anyone you like,' the man replied. I remonstrated with the suspect that I was a devout Catholic and wouldn't tolerate any blasphemy in my nick. I asked for his address. 'I am omnipresent, I abide in the ether of all Creation, in every living particle of the Universe my son.'

"This I thought was taking the proverbial now, but I endeavoured to keep my cool. I then asked for details of his next of kin. 'Well that's a toughie depending on what doctrine you follow Sergeant,' he began. 'You see, I am part of the Holy Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, so I suppose it's up to you who you call, either Jesus or the Holy Ghost. Mind you, I think Jesus is probably out at this time of day.'

"That's when I lost it and threw the book at him. I charged him with drunk and disorderly, drunk and incapable, resisting arrest, assault on police and providing a false name and address to police."

Upon his appearance at Southend Magistrates, God entered a plea of "Not Guilty".

The examining Magistrate, Major Charles Dinnerplate (retd.) was obviously not going to take these charges lightly. "You have wantonly taken the Lord's name in vain, have abused the Police and made an utter spectacle of yourself," he is reported to have began his summing up, "I will give you one last chance to make amends. If you provide a reasonable name and address and atone for your misdemeanours, I may prove lenient." God reportedly then replied, "Peter Mandelson, London, sorry Guv'nor."

God was acquitted.

God up before the beak

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