Prince Harry gropes three-year-old

Clarence House (47), the royal family's spokes-homosexual, said today (15 August 2006) that pictures of Prince Harry groping a female's breasts were not, as previously claimed, three years old, but were in fact pictures of Prince Harry groping a three-year-old's breasts.

The fact that three-year-olds rarely have gropeable breasts was lost on the imminent heir to the throne, as he is, in fact, genetically unable to recognise reality, and thought that the girl, Chastity Bellt, (3), was in fact a member of the popular beat combo, He'resy.

Her royal godessliness, the Queen Mum (128), Gawd Bless 'er, was unavailable for comment, as she was probably pissed as a rat at the races at Ascot.

However, Mrs. Enid Scrote (12) of Mansfield, mother of four and wife of three, said: "Shut up! it's Effing discustin', the way dem riles carry on, you would fink dey was like da king an' queen, innit?"

Prince Harry's mother, the Sainted Diana (32) was away nobbing with some raghead (43) when she got killed in a car crash in France. Now she is as dead as a Dodi, so couldn't comment either.

Esther Rantzid (96), founder of the child abuse charity "Childline" said:"And in a packed show tonight, we see a vegetable shaped like a dogs cock!"

Prince Harry's father, Major James "can you do it?" Hewitt (52) said, "I don't care what anyone says, the little ginger twat ain't mine, but I can't have a blood test, because I am a, err, Hindu or something!"

Jenny Bond (64), the BBC's Royal Correspondent, has a great pair of tits for her age, but she is a bit horsey looking, must be from mixing with Princess Anne, (56), the Princess Royal.

Though how you can have a princess that is NOT royal is a bloody mystery to me.

Previously

• Prince Harry to serve 'whatever the risk'
• The House of Windsor: Fancy dress or Final Solution?
• The Curse of the Windsors