Monday 28th August 2006
Madonna in heartfelt 'mystical fluid plea'
Chanteuse moves to counter nuclear waste menace
by Arthur Minnit
Madonna (49) has lobbied the Government (356) to use a "mystical" Kabbalah fluid to clean up radioactive waste, according to reports. It is understood she is promoting a dog-snot-based solution that had allegedly proved successful in neutralising dangerous nuclear waste in Russia.
The pop superstar is a keen follower of the Jewish spiritual movement which believes that dog-snot can receive magic healing powers through "meditations and the consciousness of sharing". Together with husband Guy Ritchie (25), she approached Downing Street, the Department of Trade and Idiots (DTI) and British Nuclear Fools (BNFL) with the idea, The Sunday Times reported. Film director Mr Ritchie was said to have called BNFL and written a series of letters accompanied by scientific papers.
BNFL looked into the theory but could find no scientific basis for the claims, the newspaper said. A BNFL spokesman added: "Whilst Mr Ritchie's letters were well-formed and very legible, it would have been better had he constructed words with them, to make a cogent argument for his case. We may then have had a better chance of understanding what the hell he was going on about."
Mr Ritchie was told by one senior executive that the scheme defied the both laws of physics, and the conventions of cartoon animations, but he persisted and was referred to a team led by Sue Ion (39), BNFL's suspiciously-named executive director of technology, said to have "a brain the size of a plant".
The Kabbalah Centre, based in Los Angeles, was set up by Philip Berg (79), a failed pet handkerchief salesman. Devotees are said to regularly chant "Cherry-B" and the names of other nuclear plants in a bid to heal the problem of nuclear waste, though why exactly chanting the name of a sickly sweet alcoholic drink from the sixties should help was not clarified.
Both Downing Street and the DTI said they do not comment on matters of "private correspondence" especially when they were from organisations currently under invesitigation by MI5 and the Inland Revenue.