Raghead terror suspect dragged screaming from Rockall flight (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

A suspected terrorist was yesterday dragged screaming from a holiday charter flight from Rockall's Salvador Allende Memorial International Airport to Manchester Hulme Aerodrome after quick-thinking passengers overheard him "acting suspicious and speaking raghead or summat", as one visibly-shaken mother of fourteen put it.

The unnamed man "with a touch of the tar brush about 'im" reportedly changed chairs three times in the departure lounge and was heard to make several utterances in a foreign tongue. No sooner had he boarded the Mudlark Airlines flight than several terrified fellow passengers stormed the gate demanding to be transfered to another aircraft.

This in turn provoked panic among several children and a group of teenagers returning home after a "Asbo Rehabilitation Activity Holiday" on Rockall. The police quickly attended the scene and, having ascertained that the man did indeed pose a threat to the racial purity of the flight, subdued him with tasers and pepper spray, cuffed him and escorted him to Rockall's maximum security Hall's Ledge police station for further questioning.

Father of ten Ken Whiteman, proudly sporting his Manchester United colours, told The Rockall Times: "It was a bit like Chinese whispers, but in English. Someone said something about some foreign bloke on the plane and the next thing the wife is shouting 'Jesus he's got them exploding Nike trainers on' and there's this bloody great stampede with kiddies screaming and dads punching each other in the face trying to get out of the blast area and coppers all over the place shouting 'anyone with a Brazilian passport lie down on the floor with your hands behind your head' and the next thing we knew the guy's being pulled off the plane with a taser sticking out of his arse."

Mudlark Airlines confirmed in a statement that "one passenger, of foreign extraction, was removed from a flight due to passenger concerns". It added: "We take security very seriously and will always act in the best interests of our customers."

Investigations later showed that the man was indeed Arab. He was released without charge and was subsequently allowed to swim back to the British mainland. A police spokesman said: "It was only the quick thinking of the other passengers that averted a potential catastrophe. He could easily have been carrying a binary-explosive-detonated red mercury nuclear device concealed in a Rockall souvenir mug. Millions could have died."

On Rockall, meanwhile, the sacred islet's entire supply of souvenir mugs was this morning seized in dawn raids and removed for forensic examination. A government spokeswoman said Rockall's anti-terrorist SWAT team had acted on intelligence gathered from a local police statement issued last week which suggested that al-Qaeda planned to conceal binary-explosive-detonated red mercury nuclear devices in the popular ceramic novelties.

Raghead terror suspect dragged screaming from Rockall flight

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