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Jim Davidson voted funniest man ever

Jim Davidson was last night voted the funniest man ever by a group of his peers, shortly after Her Imperial Majestyness Queen Liz II knighted the talented jokesmith for lifelong services to comedy. The judges — including Larry Grayson, Freddy "Parrot Face" Davis, Des O'Connor, and Cannon and Ball — voted overwhelmingly to award the "Nick Nick" comic the highest accolade in British comedy.

At a ceremony held at Chelsea Barracks, Davidson, 78, celebrated the honour in typical fashion. His acceptance speech had the audience in stiches with jokes about his mate Chalkie and an improvised diatribe against his former wives and women in general.

Davidson has been married fourteen times and has fathered 32 children. He has often been seen in the company of large-breasted blondes masquerading as prostitutes, and has been taken to the cleaners by his ex-wives more times a cheap suit.

Des O'Conner told The Rockall Times:: "When I first heard Jim on stage I was in the audience and I pissed myself, not with laughter! I simply pissed myself."

Larry Grayson recalled: "I remember one incident where a police officer pulled myself and Jim after a particularly robust session and was just about to breathalise Jim, when quick as a flash Nick Nick came out with a gem of a gag, had the young copper in stiches for 10 minutes, and eventually, after Jim had slipped a £50 note in his pocket, we were allowed to continue our journey! Absolutely hilarious, but that's Jim for you."

A chuckling Cannon and Ball recounted: "Yeah, we were doing panto at the Great Yarmouth Winter Gardens and Jim was using his usual chat-up technique on one of the young dancers — pinning her to a wall and stuffing his hand down her knickers — and she was crying and begging him to stop and then he told her one of his hilarious jokes about the size of his mate Chalkie's cock and that seemed to do the trick. Well, we assume so because the pair of them were married the next day. That one lasted two weeks, and Nick later said: 'Hey, you want know something about fuc*king women? They're all cun*ts' That's Jim for you — absolutely priceless."

A spokesman for the Inland Revenue added: "Yes, I remember when we slapped Jim with a tax bill for £700,000 and he said: 'But I haven't got £700,000,' and I said: 'You're joking, right? Where's our fuc*king money, Davidson?' Absolutely hilarious, but that's Jim all over."

Davidson is currently appearing in Pussy in Boots at the Dubai Hippodrome.

Previously

• Taskforce to eject Jim Davidson from Falklands
• Tories to unleash stand-up comedy onslaught
• Top comedian admits leaving scene of accident

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