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  Monday 11th September 2006  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Gordo squares up for leadership battle

Chancellor prepares to fulfil his 'manifest destiny'
by College Green

Chancellor Gordon Brown has admitted he'd welcome a leadership contest to decide the next leader of the Labour Party as soon as Tony Blair walks the plank. Speaking in television interview, the broadly grinning Scotsman appeared relaxed and statesmanlike, and confirmed his committment to any democratic process which led to him being elected prime minister.

Gordon Brown: Bulldozer"I think it's time for this soap opera to end," Brown declared. "Right-minded party members have spent the last few days looking in disbelief and despair as we tear ourselves apart. People are putting their own interests first — giant egos caring more about reputations that the lives of people."

Asked when he thought Blair should fall on his sword, Brown answered: "If he could clear his desk by Friday, I'd be grateful." He continued: "Some party members, and that includes the prime minister, clearly don't understand the manifest destiny which is driving me inexorably towards Number 10. I regret that my friend Tony must be sacrificed on the altar of progress, but I am now the only man capable of leading the party to a new golden age of enlightment and progress."

Calls for Blair to go yesterday became more vociferous as horny-handed sons of toil gathered in Brighton for the TUC's annual whineathon. One representative of the Gribblethorpe Lodge of the Anthracite Graders' Union summed it up with: "Blair, why don't you just fuc*k off and not come back?" A comrade from the Lancashire Heroin and Crack Dealers' Federation agreed, adding: "It's clear that Blair has lost the confidence of the party and the nation. Many of us looked on with dismay as he dragged us into a costly an unwinnable war in Iraq, while many people's grannies have been waiting thirty of forty years for a hip-replacement. So, yeah, he should like fuc*k right off right fuc*king now, like."

Back in London, meanwhile, Brown's supporters are said to be preparing for the likely leadership battle by examining closely the Zimbabwean electoral process. "It's pretty simple," one aide told The Rockall Times. "You either vote for Gordo or your house gets bulldozed."

Tony Blair last night made one last, desperate call for party unity during a visit to Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas. Blair last week flew to the Middle East to ask both Abbas and Israeli PM Ehud Olmert for urgent help in restoring peace in battle-torn Westminster.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man