Blair urges early intervention to combat 'problem families'

The prime minister, speaking at a hastily pre-arranged spin conference in Asbo under Lyme, last week announced his intention to give social workers greater powers to intervene to counteract the increasing numbers of "problem families".

Under the proposed legislation, social workers would be encouraged to apply for the newly conceived ASVOSOs (Anti-Social Vasectomy Or Suction Orders) even before the earliest signs of family dysfunctional behaviour.

"The threat to our society cannot be under estimated," said the greying but tanned PM. "It is time to crack down firmly on those who refuse to acknowledge the beneficial changes that we have progressively made since 1997. We know who these anti-social elements are, we know where they live and the marginal constituencies they operate in."

Mr Blair went on to detail some of the groups that he would be asking the newly-formed crack social worker paramilitary squads (SWPs) to target: "Upper class bike-riding, would-be environmentalists and elderly fence-sitting mingers are just waiting to undo our society at the earliest opportunity. They must not be allowed to procreate and cause trouble."

Mr Blair's comments were welcomed by some of the local residents. Dave Skunk, a local crack dealer, told our reporter: "He's right innit some of these bastards grow up to be the old plod or beaks 'n' that. Their sort ruin fings wiv their constant interference in logistics and supply side economics. Eight of my runners got nicked last week and sent back to school."

However, others such as mother of 14 Suze Slacklegs were not so sure" "What's 'is game? They're alright wiv my kids and at least I know where my boys are and anyways the nicks far better than the contact centre for my ex to get to as it's just down the road from the boozer. And it's dead handy fer the benefit office an all."

Political heavyweights were also sceptical of Mr Blair's attempts to meddle in family affairs. Opposition leader Golden Brown declared: "This sort of thing is dangerously close to eugenics. It's true that we face a growing problem, but I don't see that this type of initiative will be seen as any more popular than his foreign policy. Really he should go as soon as possible if we are to retain any credibility."

Deputy prime minister John Prescott was unavailable for comment last night due to a lack of vocabulary.

Previously

• Government in 'gateway' soft drink clampdown
• Government pledges clampdown on binge drinking
• Government to outlaw the five-knuckle shuffle