Space Shuttle is go despite 'catalogue of horrors'

The Space Shuttle Atlantis finally got off the ground on Saturday despite what experts have described as a "catalogue of horrors" — any of which could have meant fiery death for the crew.

The shuttle's launch had already been delayed several times due to inclement weather, the threat of inclement weather or intelligence which suggested that the threat of inclement weather was imminent. Furthermore, failure of one of the fuel cells powering the vehicle — coupled to approaching inclement weather — at one point threw the whole mission into doubt.

However, The Rockall Times has obtained a dossier which suggest NASA has a reckless disregard for the safety of its astronauts, despite rigorous pre-launch checkes on the shuttle provoked by the 2003 Columbia disaster. The safety report, carried out by Pentagon operatives posing as a specialist Mexican team of Shuttle cleaners, contains the following list of faults:

• Vehicle strapped to tank containing a half-million gallons of highly-flammable liquid hydrogen and oxygen.
• Liquid hydrogen and oxygen tank is in close proximity to solid rocket boosters containing 1,000,000lb of powdered aluminum and ammonium perchlorate oxidising agent.
• Shuttle's three main engines in close proximity to a half-million gallons of highly-flammable liquid hydrogen and oxygen and 1,000,000lb of powdered aluminum and ammonium perchlorate.
• 1mm screw holding inspection hatch 3-FGT-37 displays slight cross-threading. Potential risk of detatchment and high-speed rupture of vehicle's leading edge.
• Area of chipped paint approximately 3mm by 3mm on "NASA" logo. Potential risk of logo detachment during blast-off provoking widespread merriment among our Russian rivals.
• Commander Brent Jett's space biro dangerously low on ink.

A US space safety expert told us: "This list makes chilling reading indeed. That NASA chose to allow Brent Jett to travel to the International Space Station without an adequate supply of ink for his $3m space biro makes you wonder what kind of jokers are running the show down down there.

Previously

• NASA announces new breed of spacecraft
• FBI seeks clues to shuttle disaster
• NASA to send retard into space