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  Monday 11th September 2006  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Government plans audacious 'Super Motorway'

860-mile tarmac ribbon of joy
by Bill Fibber, Bakewell Herald

The Department of Transport today announced plans to build a 860-mile motorway from John O'Groats to Land's End. Work will commence on it in two weeks' time, and be finished in the summer of 2007.

The road will be 12 miles wide and have an incredible 600 lanes per side, with services including "mega" casinos, shopping malls, cinemas, and needle exchange centres, as well as hospitals and bowling alleys. A spokesperson for the DOT noted: "The public are sick of sitting in twenty-mile traffic jams, drinking lukewarm water and having nowhere to play roulette." The AA said in an official statement: "We are developing a new generation of supervans to deal with any breakdowns, which will contain tool kits, a good selection of PS2 games for the kids and spares for every known make of vehicle at a mark-up of just 400 per cent."

The new road is to be called the MX1, and will be funded largely by private investors who will recoup their investment over 60 years by charging the estimated 300 million daily users a nominal fee of £14 per mile.

Motorways first came to the UK after an RAF reconnaisance aircraft in 1941 spotted a sinister belt of tarmac leading from Berlin to the popular Liebensraum Bierkeller in the German countryside. Intelligence later indicated it allowed Adolf Hitler and fun-loving SS supremo Himmler to cut their daily trip to the pub by 40 minutes. Churchill immediately ordered the construction of a network of similar highways which would, in the event of German invasion, allow the bicycle-mounted Home Guard to deploy with lightning speed. To confuse Hitler's panzer army, signposting was kept to a minimum — a tradition which continues to this day.

The rest is, as we all know, history. So popular have the UK's motoways become that people will queue all day just to get onto the M25 and, as news broke of the MX1 this morning, enthusiastic motorists had already formed a 22-mile tailback around junction 17 of the M6 in anticipation of the new highway's arrival there in spring 2007.

Naturally, the environmental lobby has its reservations. A spokeperson for Friends of the Earth took time from consoling a beached whale to tell The Rockall Times that the organisation "agreed in principle" to the new road since it meant the compulsory purchase and demolition of two million houses, but added that the government should take more time to consider the replacement of heavy goods vehicles with mass alpaca herds which, if properly trained, could avail themselves of dedicated "green alpaca lanes" to supply the nation's out-of-town supermarkets. She added: "They also give an extremely high-quality wool, which can be used as fuel to supply 0.01 per cent of the UK's energy needs."

We tried to contact international subterranean activist "Swampy", only to be told he was chained to a garden gnome in Basingstoke in protest at a pensioner's plan to lay a concrete path through his own lawn.

Greenpeace spokeswoman Thelma Firma said: "Greenpeace supports anything that doesn't harm Wales." However, when told the new road would carve a considerable chunk out of Wales she said "I'll have to get back to you on that one" and drove off in a 12-seater Hummer.

The new road construction is expected to create around 25 new jobs in Polish contractor "Polandroads". Planned interviews of potential candidates — to be held next week at the Polish working men's club in Levenshulme — have created a buzz of excitement among locals eager to exploit the new prosperity. Local cafe owner Irene Chwalikowski-Drubblethorpe enthused: "I've already ordered a new dumpling boiler. It's like Christmas."

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