Dynamo Rockall boss denies bung claims

Dynamo Rockall boss Tel "Hell's Bells" Redhat has furiously denied claims that he took illegal payments from two agents in return for signing three of their clients to the North Atlantic sporting powerhouse.

The allegations involve defender Tal Bung Haim, midfielder Hidecashi Nakata and goalkeeper Ali al-Bakhanda. The two agents are shown in a TV documentary telling undercover reporters they'd flashed cash in Redhat's direction in return for contracts.

Redhat has ordered his match-fit squad of lawyers to act against the television programme. The agents have claimed they "made the whole thing up for a laugh", and in their defence pointed to the long and honourable history of football business dealings.

To compound the scandal, the programme also showed footage of Sporting St Kilda's director of youth football, Fred Arsmüssen, making an illegal approach to Dynamo Rockall's England youth star Nathaniel Pikey. This "tapping up" is illegal under FA rules and Dynamo Rockall is said to be claiming £8m in compensation.

The mounting controversy has not affected Dynamo's performance on the pitch. Last Saturday saw an inspired team administer a sound 5-0 thrashing to Racing Tórshavn, weakened by the absence of star striker Knut van Kamperdijk — currently on loan to FC Plankton.

Previously

• Rogue football agent shames the Beautiful Game™
• That Anelka apology: The first draft
• Diary of a Premiership footballer