Mick Hucknall's gonna do the right thing

Simply Red frontman Mick Hucknall is to throw in the towel as a singer and become a priest, we can exclusively reveal. The handsome crooner told us he was "finished with the pop scene for ever", and admitted the pressure of touring and poor ticket sales have convinced him that people simply don't like him any more.

Hucknall, 73, confirmed: "I want to get out while I'm at the bottom, and not leave it too late like Phil Collins."

The world pop superstar is believed to have accumulated vast wealth by always shopping at Kwik-Save. A friend of Hucknall's said: "He might be a looker and get all them birds and that, but he's a canny old cun*t when it comes to a bargain, and he gets most of his clothes from charity shops and dead people."

Hucknall was born in Manchester, and it's a testimony to his strong roots that he now lives in the Bahamas, Paris, and New York, and never ever goes back there. He did, however, recall fond memories of sitting all alone in a Hulme bedsit, writing songs and contemplating suicide every time he looked in the mirror: "They were happy times and I never once longed for the company of a cocaine-snorting supermodelmodel. I just wanted to improve my song writing skill, and grow my hair like the black, pot-smoking rasta man that I knew I was inside."

Hucknall's first realisation that he might be called for a higher purpose came while on tour in South America. He said: "I was trying to 'find myself' when I met a holy man smoking a pipe with a contented look on his face. I asked him why he was so happy, and he said: 'Jaami joop emmen sa'fuice,' which means: 'I have found God and my bunions have melted.'"*

The time has now come for Hucknall to fulfil his destiny. He told us he's going to Rome to meet with the Pope to try to get elevated to the clergy in exchange vocal lessons and a few public relations pointers. A spokesperson for Pope Rizzlerenburger said: "Mr Hucknall is very keen to take the cloth; so keen he is almost touching it. No-one can dampen that kind of spirit — he's gonna do the right thing."

A source from Hucknall's record company told us this morning: "Mick's worried about the state of the world and instead of singing about it, he intends to do his bit, and administer comfort. So, as long as you're female with a large rack, and can wrap your legs behind your head, he will offer comfort."

Note

*According to our linguistics bureau, this actually means: "I am off my face with the disco biscuits, you white dickwad."

Previously

• NASA over the Moon at McCartney space gig
• World stops spinning as pop star unveils new look
• Pop bosses order Klass to 'put them away'