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  Monday 25th September 2006  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Germans to quiz Richard Hammond over monorail pile-up

'Human error' suspected in maglev disaster
by Wernher von Braun

German detectives will tomorrow fly to the UK to quiz Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond about his possible involvement in last week's magnetic monorail crash in Lathen.

Richard Hammond: CalaisThe Germans have to date failed to discover what caused the maglev disaster. The technology — developed jointly by Siemens and ThyssenKrupp — represents the very pinnacle of German engineering, and was described by chancellor Angela Merkel as "a very, very safe technology".

Accordingly, the monorail's operators have dismissed the slightest possibility of mechanical failure and attributed the crash to "human error". Police investigations will focus on Hammond and his Top Gear colleagues who have a record of abusing German technology. In one stunt, they fixed a jet engine to a Mini and fired it down a ski slope in a reckless attempt to recreate the first flight of the legendary Me-163 rocket-powered interceptor.

In China last night, the operators of the Shanghai airport shuttle — which uses the same German magnetic monorail system — responded to the news of the investigation by banning Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson from the city; the former "to safeguard Chinese road users" and the latter "because his relentless wise-cracking poses a risk to the moral health of the nation's youth".

Hammond continues to recover in hospital and is expected to be able to receive the German police investigators shortly. The BBC confirmed that the Best of Top Gear, which would have shown the presenter bolting a pulse jet engine to a maglev train and attempting to fire it over the English Channel from a specially-constructed ramp near Calais, has been postponed indefinitely. A spokesman did, however, confirm that footage of the failed attempt would appear in a 999 Emergency Air Ambulance Rescue! Xmas special.

Hammond's publishers Orion, meanwhile, this morning announced the immediate availability of a updated edition of his bestselling What Not to Drive.

Note

Yes, yes, we know. Big-up rispek to the Yorkshire Air Ambulance. You can make a donation to the chaps who whisked the Top Gear speed merchant to hospital at the dedicated JustGiving page. Jump to it.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man