Leave ozone layer to me, says Branson

Virgin founder in global warming pledge

by O.B.City

Sir Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin empire, vowed today to finish the work started by the airline industry in destroying the last traces of ozone in the atmosphere, announcing the purchase of new aircraft for £3,000,000,000,001.52.

The brilliant but loveable ex-barrowboy, who built the gargantuan Virgin empire from nothing but his own shrewd business acumen, and a six-figure loan from his mum, and ingenious VAT fraud, said: "We know there's still some ozone up there, and the only way to get rid of it is with really big planes. I feel this is the best way to repay the world for my good fortune, a way of giving something back."

The Super Prescott Answering questions at a press conference, Sir Pilchard explained the choice of the Airbese A380 passenger plane, codenamed "Super Prescott". "It's big," he noted. "Really big. Look at the size of the engines on that thing. Just look at it. It's got the best oxygen-to-pollution throughput of any aircraft on the planet. I mean, it's just bloody enormous. Cor."

Virgin Atlantic's Chief Executive, Steve Ridgway, listed detailed technical aspects of the A380 specification. "It's a brilliant piece of aeronautical engineering. It has room for a huge cabin crew. We can fit at least 200 trolley-dollies on each deck, with room for blondes, brunettes, big ones, little ones, almost every shape you can imagine — the possibilities become endless with an aircraft of such technical superiority and advanced design: these cutting-edge features will satisfy Virgin's senior executives, as well as processing ozone in record quantities."

Responding to relentless questioning by The Rockall Times, Virgin marketing supremo Alison Flatus denied that this was an empty gesture designed to prop up Sir Pilchard's faltering public image. "His Beardness thoroughly disapproves of pointless, contrived publicity stunts. Incidentally, we hope you'll support the Virgin Global Single-Handed Paraplegic Wanderer, which will be a record breaking voyage between Rockall and Qwghlm in a 50-foot nuclear-powered coracle, commencing as soon as Steve Fosset finishes deconstructive surgery. It will be another key milestone in the history of manned polluting, and reflect the true value of the Virgin brand. Yes, that 'V' thing."

Sir Pilchard said: "I have the full support of my good friend Tone, who got elected only because I let him sit next to me on a train. I am inspired by my admiration for his principled and ethical stance on many matters of vast political importance, like ensuring lottery companies achieve those colossal but hard-earned profits that make the Virgin group look like a whelk stall. We didn't really want that business anyway, the slimy little weasel. So there."

Professor R. Entaquote from the Empirical College's Zone of Ozone Zones Dept told us: "Climatologists should be delighted with this news. Scientists have tried for decades to determine when, and how, humankind will become extinct. Now we can be confident of finding out sooner."

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Leave ozone layer to me, says Branson

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