Internet fingered in sperm donor crisis

Private conversations with John Thomas rise dramatically

by Kirk Sacker

Following a five-year study, researchers at the Institute for Reproductive Science have announced that the increase of readily-accessible free porn on the internet has led to a dramatic decrease in males coming forward to donate their sperm.

The research — commissioned jointly by the Atomic Workers Union (AWU) and the Church of England — highlighted a worrying drop of as much as 75 per cent in donations over the last decade. Head of research Dr Gordon St John Beavis explained: "While the fall in sperm bank levels was expected, the severity of the drought has taken everybody by surprise."

In the eagerly-awaited report, Dr Beavis lamented: "Sadly, our clinics cannot compete with the sheer volume of high-quality pornography of the world wide web. There was a time that cash-strapped students would flock to crack one off at their local sperm bank, despite the potential embarrassment. It was the only place they could get access to well-thumbed copies of Hustler."

He continued: "The standard of living within the UK has increased to such a level that men no longer need the payment we offer in return and prefer to masturbate in the comfort of their own homes and offices."

Our own research confirmed the report's findings. We spoke to one young man enthusiastically indulging in a five-knuckle shuffle in the toilets of a Basingstoke builders' merchant. "Yeah, well, ten years ago I might have nipped down the local clinic in me lunchbreak and come out with an empty sack and a fully-satisfied wallet. Nowadays, though, I can get instant access to Paris Hilton chewing on a spam javelin, nip to the bogs for a swift two minutes milking the lizard and I'm back on the fork-lift before anyone notices. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm about ready to drop the kids off at the pool."

The Archbishop of Canterbury, meanwhile, warned of the potentially serious social consequences of internet-based masturbation: "The church prefers that men wrestle the purple-headed stormtrooper within the confines of a meaningful relationship, such as that between sperm clinic and donor. We also warn of the possible repercussions of being caught with your trousers down at work while roping the pope over a Natalie Portman pornalike website."

The report concludes that with the widening of the European Union there is hope that the influx of Polish and other Eastern European workers will provide a new and so far unexplored source of sperm. It does, however, add that women considering artificial insemination should ask themselves "if they really want a kid who looks like a Romanian brickie".

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Internet fingered in sperm donor crisis

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