United States triumphs in War on Terror™

Amidst scenes of seemingly-unrehearsed jubilation, the United States President last night declared that his apocryphal War on Terror™ was at an end. And that the good guys had won.

At 21:00 Eastern Daylight Time, 482 million fellow Americans (source: FOX News) tuned in to watch their Commander-in-Chief announce: "Friends and Allies, I can tonight confirm that we are triumphant. In America, as I speak, we have prevailed over Terror™." The President, speaking aboard the USS Halliburton (resplendent after a $14bn refit) went on to reveal the Administration's hitherto best-kept secret: Operation Squash and a Squeeze.

It transpires that the architect of this legerdemain was none other than the President himself, and, what's more, it was conceived within minutes of the 11 September attacks commencing.

"Our strategy was two-fold," intoned Vice-Presidential heavyweight Dick Cheney, peering waspishly through genuine leather WWII aviator goggles. "Firstly, the USA needed to rebound psychologically. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks the President perceived that folk were scared but, crucially, not Terrified™. GW knew from his drinking days that the surest road to mental recovery was to first hit rock bottom.

"Thus our prophetic 'War on Terror™' was launched. Day by day, week by week, we notched up the level of Terror™: through legislation such as the Patriot Act, in launching un-winnable wars, and by making reference to Terror in all syndicated broadcasts. Secretary Rumsfeld's masterstroke was to introduce the Homeland Security Advisory System, through which a state of Terror™ could be induced in (non-elite) Americans simply by raising a red flag. Phase One was complete."

Flanked by jubilant Bechtel employees, Condoleeza "Condi" Rice, inexplicably dressed in orange, launched into a description of the overarching strategy. "It has been well-publicised that the President continued to read MPG (My Pet Goat, $9.99 Hamilton) for several minutes after the attacks began. I am now authorized to disclose that this was the pre-planning stage of Operation SAAS. Using the grammatical tool of word association, the President called to mind another moralistic story featuring a goat: A Squash and a Squeeze.

"In this British children's parable a senior citizen complains to a wise [old] man that her house is too small; whereupon, he instructs her to take in her chicken. She subsequently complains that it is even more cramped, and is ordered, in turn, to take in her goat, her pig and lastly the cow. At her wits' end, she implores the wise man one last time to help her. 'Put them all out!' he commands. Confused and tired, but clinging to a glimmer of faith, she shoos all of the beasts out. It is only then that she gratefully realizes how spacious her house is. This brings us to Phase Two of A Squash and a Squeeze. Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, an announcement will now be made by our own wise man, President George W Bush..."

"Fellow Americans, unbeknownst to you, a number of executive orders have been issued over the previous 24 hours. The Department of Homeland Security has been dismantled, the Patriot Act has been rescinded, our troops are coming home. FOX and CNN have disabled their respective 'War on Terror™' websites. You have nothing to fear anymore. There will be no further attacks.

"Friends, the truth is this. We all know why we were attacked in 2001. Our opinion polls are clear. Americans were attacked for their way of life and their freedoms. Thanks to our Republican stewardship these factors will no longer induce such envy. Let me give you examples. In 2006, globally, the US ranks 8th by GDP per capita, 9th in economic freedom (source: heritage.org), a lowly 13th in Quality-of-Life (source: The Economist), and a dismal 44th in press freedom (source: Reporters sans frontiers). These pitiable scores mean that we are no longer the target.

"Today, we must acknowledge the emergence of a new superpower and a new world order. Only one nation enjoys global hegemony in Quality-of-Life and reporting freedom. It outranks the US in all of the above indices. That behemoth is, of course, Ireland. Within the last hour, I called Taoiseach Bertie Ahern to explain this and consecrate him 'Leader of the Free World'. I congratulated him but, in the spirit of friendship, warned him to increase security at his airports and ports. Regretfully the United States cannot offer military assistance because our 2006 'friendship budget' was assigned exclusively to Coalition-of-the-Willing (henceforth disbanded) states.

"My fellow Americans, we are now safe from the freedom fighters and revolutionaries that once terrorised us. Indeed, there is much we can learn from them. And, whilst the spectre of terror may be undiminished globally it will no longer impact Americans, being no more of a risk than, say, global warming. Sleep well tonight. God bless America."

Irish leader Bertie Ahern was last night unavailable for comment, but a close friend described him as 'surprised '.

Previously

• West perfects propaganda superbomb
• That new UK terror law: What every parent should know
• Rockall to defy 9/11 anniversary terror threat