US to invade Rockall?

Rockall is this morning awash with rumour and speculation that the US is planning a shock attack on the sacred islet in response to the recent Rockall South West Section F by-election victory of rabid socialist and left wing agitator Ernest Lynch.

The unexpected victory for Lynch — previously only known for his luxurious handlebar moustache, alcoholic tendencies, debonair looks, fire-juggling skills and nightly radio show — has sent tremors through the political world. However, in Lynch"s local pub, the Fighting Dog and Pikey, regulars are overjoyed with his success. One man in particular regaled our correspondent with tales of how Lynch bought him a bottle of Zeppelin cider and gave him 20p for a cup of tea afterwards.

A spokeswoman for the US, known only as Condi "Deep Throat" Rice let slip some extra details to waiting journalists. It appears the CIA has tracked down two copies of the illegal porn film Weapons of Ass Destruction to a house in Rockall. "Now Rockall has a potentially unstable government, it is vital we act now to remove the "weapons" before they fall into the wrong hands," she told us, visibly shaking and moaning in horror. "Karl Rove and I need to be in possession of the 'Weapons' so we can ensure they are disposed of properly."

So far there has been no official comment from the White House, but it is known President Bush is currently holding an important meeting with a Homeland Security officer known only as Cleatus in Redneck, Mississippi.

Meanwhile Rockall has been put on full alert, with Field Marshal "Stormin" Norman Cook preparing the army in case of a land invasion. Cook was quick to distance himself from his past as a purveyor of crap dance tracks and s*hite music videos, and told us how excited he was about taking on his new role, especially due to the positive effect it could have on back catalogue sales.

Previously

• Revealed: Why we must bomb Iraq back to the Stone Age
• Canada invades St. Pierre and Miquelon
• Tear down all road signs, Blunkett tells Britain