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  Monday 2nd October 2006  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Swan-roasting Romanian paedophiles: What every parent should know

Your cut-out-and-keep guide to our new EU friends
by Ion Antonescu

The news that Bulgaria and Romania are posed to join that happy circle of friends we call the EU has caused some concern in Middle England that our sceptred isle is about to be invaded by unwashed Slavs bearing barbecue implements and Social Security claims forms.

Indeed, according to Daily Mail statistics, the population of the UK will by 2010 has swollen to an incredible 83 million souls — 43 per cent of them of Eastern European origin. The swan population, meanwhile, will have shrunk to zero as a result of foreigners' insatiable appetite for our beloved fauna.

It's clear that the matter needs clarification — and fast. Here, then, is The Rockall Times cut-out-and-keep guide to Romanians: who they are; why they're (soon to be) here; and why you'll probably need to keep your kids locked away under the stairs:

Romania. Never heard of it. What's the score?

Eastern European democracy, population of 22 million, capital Bucharest. Ring a bell?

Nah, sorry.

Transylvania?

Gotcha. President Vlad the Impaler, economy based entirely on garlic cultivation and wooden stake manufacture?

Got it in one, although Romania has made great strides in recent years to build a vibrant, modern economy.

I see. I suppose I should apologise for the well-worn Dracula stereotyping, then.

Yes, that would be best.

On the other hand I remember my grandad telling me they fought with Hitler in the war.

That's true, but so did the Italians, and every right-minded Brit loves an authentic spag bol.

Not my grandad, he doesn't. Never forgave the buggers for Abyssinia. And don't get him started on the bloody Japs.

Times have changed. The world has moved on.

Tell that to grandad. So, what does Romania have to offer that can match the Italian contribution to British cuisine?

Well, how about ciorba de burta?

Sounds suspiciously foreign...

Does tripe soup sound better?

Jesus H Christ. I'm not putting a bowl of tripe soup in front of the kids. It's as much as I can do to get them to east microwaveable novelty minipizzas which aren't in the shape of a pair of Nike trainers.

Ok, what about peste cu mamaliguta?

Enough. I've had it up to here with the Eastern Europeans coming over here with their unpronounceable z-laden surnames, molesting our swans, trying to force dumpling stew down our throats.

Fair enough. How's the new bathroom going?

Bloody hell. The bloke turned up about two weeks ago, said he had to go and get some parts for the new boiler and that was the last we saw of him. I've been without hot water for a month. Grandad's on pills because of it...

I may be able to help — ring Dave Ceausescu on 0766-000-666. He should have it sorted in a couple of days.

Impressive. He's not Romanian by any chance?

He is. Distant cousin of Nicolai Ceacescu. Used to run the gypsy-suppression branch of the Romanian secret police, but went into the plumbing business after 1989.

What's he charge?

About one third of what a Brit plumber wants.

I love it. Got to go and make a call. Do you know how he likes his tripe soup?

Hold on... What about the rest of this essential cut-out-and-keep guide?

Who cares? Got a number for a good Bulgarian landscape gardener? Some bloke came last year and promised to do the patio within a month and I haven't seen sight nor sound of him since...

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