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  Monday 2nd October 2006  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Terror report is horseshi*t, decry Republicans

Bush team slams NIE, CIA, NSA, B&Q, MFI
by O. B. City

Senior members of the Bush administration today queued up to denounce the newly-published US National Intelligence Estimate (NIE), apparently piqued by the document's subtly-coded references to "lunatics" having "taken over" something referred to as "the White House". The latter phrase is known by Washington insiders to refer to an asylum on Pennsylvania Avenue.

The report, a wide-ranging review of the strategic consequences of the War on Terror ™, is thought to offer penetrating and insightful analyses of key aspects of US policy since 9/11. Details obtained exclusively by The Rockall Times include extraordinary revelations:

  • 9/11 was carried out by Saudi Arabian terrsts, necessitating an immediate attack on Afghanistan.
  • Nazi dictator Saddam Hussein never met evil terrst genius Usama bin Liner, necessitating an immediate attack on Iraq.
  • North Korea has nukular weapons, necessitating an immediate attack on Iran.

At a press conference, White House spokescreature Lickspittle Foxnew explained the administration's position: "This report requires proper interpretation. The islamoliberalscum media have twisted phrases like ‘The Iraq war has increased the risk of terrorism' to imply that the Iraq war has increased the risk of terrorism, when the authors clearly meant the opposite."

Overturning stones in a slither to the capital's TV studios this morning, prominent Republicans also lost no time in pointing out the former President Cli*ton's numerous "missed opportunites" to neutralise the fanatical genius bin Liner and his global arsenal of Inter-Continental Box-Cutters (ICBCs).

Senators from the Hindsight Sub-Comittee of the House Armed Services Committee, an august group boasting hundreds of years' experience in armchair warfare, said in a statement: "The Democrat girly-men knew where the ICBCs were to within a thousand miles, they had satellite pictures of the actual continents these guys were on, for Christ's sake, and they did nothing."

Senator Ovenchip McCain, a noted Republican moderate, added: "Responsibility clearly lies with lying liar Bill Cli*ton for making love to a dress when he could so easily have nuked any -*stan containing bin Liner. History will show that the previous Democrat administration had every opportunity to foresee the series of colossal blunders Bush would make, and take appropriate action in advance."

Defence Secretary Ronald Dumsfeld, speaking earlier from his bunker in Strangelove, Virginia, also strongly rebutted the report's content: "These are the views of just a tiny minority — less than seventeen — of our sixteen major intelligence agencies. You cannot take seriously the opinions of a few thousand intelligence analysts employed by outfits like the CIA, which are notorious for belonging to the reality-based community. The very fact that they agree with each other is suspicious in itself."

Resident Bush the Lesser said later that the report was "causing unnecessary confusification" to the American people. "Laura read this National Intelligence Estimut story to me last night and it proves I am right: terrsts are bad folks and Saddam made my dad mad so the goat could eat Iraq and Iran."

In related news, amid rising concern about the US naval build-up near the island, Rockall intelligence services have been tasked with establishing some link between themselves and the 9/11 atrocity.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man