International fury at Rockall nuclear test

The international community has united to condemn this morning's nuclear warhead test which saw the Peoples' Republic of Rockall join the world's happy band of atomic nations.

The test is reported to have taken place at 01:30GMT in a tunnel complex dug into the north-western face of the sacred islet. The official Rockall Central News Bureau (RCNB) reported: "This morning, in robust response to Icelandic threat of sanction and military attack, glorious scientists of Rockall's Atomic Defence Soviet exploded considerable nuclear device with aim of protecting sovereign borders."

The Rockall regime last week threatened to detonate a warhead, citing a blockade of its sea routes to the Faeroe Isles which threatened to entirely cut off much-need supplies of thick woollen sweaters. This piece of sabre-rattling provoked Reykjavik to warn Rockall it could "choose between nuclear weapons and a future", while warbling elfin chanteuse Bjork — chief Icelandic representative to the six-nations talks aimed at resolving the crisis — demanded: "Hvar er Rockall? Ég þarf að kaupa kort."

The US Geological Survey yesterday confirmed a seismic event centred on Rockall, measuring around 2.3 on the "Protect and Survive" Cold War Panic Scale. "That translates into a device of around 0.03 kilotons," said one visibly-shaken Survey member, "or, put in layman's terms, enough to irradiate an area equivalent to 0.125 football pitches for up to twenty minutes."

Despite the device's awesome destructive power, experts have advised North Atlantic rim nations that Rockall does not yet have the capability to launch a missile-based attack. One ICBM expert told The Rockall Times: "While it's true that Rockall last year tested a 'Glorious Guillemot' missile capable of reaching Greenland on a good day, and with a following wind, it's some way off from getting constructing a warhead compact enough to rain nuclear death on Nuuk."

Indeed, satellite data analysis shows that Rockall's experimental warhead is about the size of two double-decker buses parked side-by-side. Most of its bulk is thought to consist of the guano-based conventional explosive needed to detonate the nuclear material. Furthermore, Rockall produces on average around 0.1 grams of plutonium a year, requiring around 164 years of continuous refinement at its Josef Stalin nuclear facility to construct a single warhead.

This technical data has done little to assuage fears that Rockall's nuclear capability may provoke a North Atlantic arms race. The UK's Tony Blair slammed the test as "truly, madly, deeply irresponsible", while former home secretary Jack Straw refused to speak to our reporter "until you take off that bloody silly anti-radiation mask".

Denmark this morning announced it would suspend all trade with Rockall — a move which will primarily hit the islet's Muslim community currently awaiting a consignment of Danish flags to burn in protest at TV footage showing members of the fun-loving youth wing of the anti-immigrant Danish People's Party taking part in a competition to draw images mocking The Prophet™.

Danish exports to Rockall last year topped €1.2m; €1,199,970 in "quick-burning" flags and €30 in streaky bacon. Prime minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen has, however, insisted that "Rockall must be starved into submission, whatever the cost to our indigenous flag industry".

In Ireland, meanwhile, Taoiseach Bertie Ahern denied Ireland was considering pre-emptive military strikes against Rockall, including a possible military occupation. The US has warned the Emerald Isle against "reckless" action which could threaten US fast-food franchise interests in the region.

Local reaction to the crisis has been one of bewilderment. "I must admit I had no idea we had our own nuclear deterrent," admitted Arthur "Chalky" Black, supping a "Kim Jong Il" cocktail in the snug of The Fighting Dog and Pikey. "On the other hand, there was a hell of a bang this morning, but I thought it was just another incident at the storm petrel guano methane extraction plant."

"Nuclear warhead, eh?" mused landlord Vince, lovingly pulling a pint of alcohol-free Olde Wifebeater for Rockall's Muslim leader Mohammed Mohammedsson. "What do you make of it, Hammy?"

"Allah alone knows," shrugged Mohammedsson mournfully. "I've got a Danish flag-burning in an hour and no bloody Danish flags and the Faeroe Isle sweater I ordered has been impounded in Torshavn and it's bloody brass monkeys out there."

Previously

• West perfects propaganda superbomb
• North Korea boasts Pyongyangiwood 'ready to bury West'
• Nuclear war 'not in anyone's interests' Bush, master statesman, claims