Jamie Oliver piles into 'un-pukka parent fuc*kers'

Jamie Oliver is livid with parents at a South Yorkshire School who have been undermining his latest healthy eating campaign by feeding their children fish and chips through the gates of Poormarsh Comprehensive during break times.

Breaking momentarily from skillfully constructing a sun-dried tofu and organic jojoba quiche, the celebrity chef offered: "I'm trying to be all pc about this but what's the point if these numbnuts don't even care about their saucepans' future health. When's the kilkenny gonna fuc*king drop? They're practically holding 'em down forcing toodles into their boats and pouring tins of chink down their nannys. At this rate their god forbids health will be friar'd before they even get out of their teens and if they do get out they're going to end up raspberries. I mean some of the boys are walking round with bigger thrupennys than the girls!

"An' all the while they're sitting on their hagen daas, picking their jam rolls and givin' it the Barry Mcguigan about choice... 'Oh we're only giving them what they're asking for.' Well, if they asked for a can of Sean Ryder, a line of lemon barley and a packet of 20 oilys would they give 'em that? I bet if they pulled an Ayrton out of their back sky she probably would!

"Any bin lid, given the fuc*king choice, is going to piss off down the parade and visit the local Ren and Stimpy or a local Colonel Gadaffi and stuff em' self full of Jimmy White, which is only fit for the nearest Ille Nastase. It's all about education. Will they ever learn? They're having a Steffi... I'm trying to make a difference here...

"I've had enough. I'm gonna kick the fuc*kers in the Double Dutch then stamp on their jethros. I tell you they'll be Father Ted by the time I finish with 'em."

Oliver then turned his attentions to Tory maverick Boris Johnson, who at a Conservative party fringe meeting claimed "too much pressure" is being put on children to eat healthily and defended the actions of fish-and-chips wielding Yorkshire parents.

Throwing a handful of virgin pomegranate seeds into a rocket and basil salad, Oliver said: "Who is this bleach barnet'd bargain hun*t who calls himself the fuc*king Shadow Minister for Education? Front-bencher! More likely loves it up the back-benches, the fuc*king Joe Strummer.

"He's keeps giving it the Barry McGuigan with 'I say let people eat what they like... Why shouldn't they push pies through the railings?' but I'll push a fuc*king gingsters up his jam roll and see how he likes that if he carries on spouting all this harry out' his hagen daas. He should take my fuc*king Anneka and keep his opinions, like his Fred Astaire, under his fuc*king titfer. The twat can't even sort out his Alf Garnet let alone our saucepans' future nutrition.

"Who does he think he is? I'm trying to make a difference here and what's he ever done? Diss'd a load of Mickey Mousers and had to get on the train to poor man's gruel to apologise. When he's not spouting shi*te he's patrolling the offices of the Spectator on the lookout for a bit of Posh 'n' Becks. Oh yeah, he's been caught with his strides down harassing the secretaries for a bit of the old Ant 'n' Decs. Mind you, seeing the state of his tackle at the Madejski Stadium, there's no way you'd catch me anywhere near his Hampton.

"Well I've had enough. I'm gonna kick him in the fuc*king constitutionals then stamp on his jethro. I tell you he'll be Father Ted by the time I finish with him!"

Mr Johnson was unavailable for comment this morning, despite locking himself outside of his house in full view of the world's media.

Previously

• Un-pukka nosh rumpus rumbles on
• Precursor of 'Jamie's Kitchen' concept also ended in failure
• Policy announcement: Jamie Oliver