Republicans may lose Senate (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Resident Bush the Lesser has mounted a strong defence of senior Republicans amid growing scandal and criticism affecting his party in the run-up to crucial mid-term elections which could see a change in the balance of power in Congress and the Senate.

The current crisis began last week when a leaked US intelligence review described the state of the US military as "an unmitigated disaster", and the war in Iraq as a "breeding ground for dead Americans". While mentioning no names, the report's reference to "monumental strategic blundering by geriatric imbeciles" is thought to be a subtly-coded critique of Ronald Dumsfeld's tenure as Defense Secretary.

The 666-page report cited individual failings in detail. Typical was a quotation from Col. K. Charles Simmonds of the US National Guard's 13th "Redneck" Battalion, the remains of which is smouldering in Baghdad. Col. Simmonds was deeply concerned about resources: "There's still some Eye-raqis left alive out here, and we're in constant danger. Ah cain't even muster a fully equipped Rapist Platoon any more, dammit. We got less firepower than a Texas school."

The administration has been quick to dismiss the criticism of Dumsfeld's management. Speaking at a White House press conference at the weekend, Bush said: "Dummy's been doing a darned good job. We should thank his unique culpabilities for the glorious accomplishings by our military in, uh, the Saudi Iraq, and uh, Evil Terror Axis."

Asked by The Rockall Times how he could defend actions described in the report as "systematic incompetence and mendacity", Resident Bush made an inaudible remark, later clarified by spokescreature Lickspittle Foxnew as: "I don't recognise that description of my administration, and I robustly defend its record." (Reporters nearer the front of the room claimed that Bush actually said: "I don't understand them words and they ain't true no how.")

However, further political damage is expected from leaked remarks at an after-dinner speech yesterday evening in Bumfuc*k, New Jersey, by Lt.Gen. Wesley Snipes, who reportedly said: "Our infantry strength is run down to the point where we couldn't even invade a small Atlantic island, not that we've been considering it. Our forces are hurtin', and this is no time for big speeches by draft-dodging assholes." Gen. Snipes may have been harking back to Bush's appearance on the giant aircraft carrier USS Klingon in 2004, when the President made a triumphant speech on the Iraq war in front of a controversial banner reading "The Flies Have Conquered the Flypaper".

On Capitol Hill, Bush's troubles are multiplied by the growing scandal over Congressman Mark Foney's behaviour with congressional pages — youngsters recruited to run messages among politicians' offices — with whom he was found to have exchanged sexually-charged emails. Foney, an outspoken "family values" Republican with a special role in the "missing and exploited children" caucus, was exposed as a closeted gay who had been preying on young male pages for years.

Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has been under pressure to resign, accused by Democrats of concealing Foney's behaviour.

Asked when he learned of Foney's sexual predations, Hastert first claimed to know nothing about it, until email evidence proved he'd been told more than a year ago and had done nothing. Hastert told The Rockall Times: "The cover-up was in the best interests of the American people, except a tiny minority of whining victims and the kind of liberal scum who'd exploit sexually-abused kids to criticise powerful politicians. My actions have met the standards of honour and integrity that decent God-fearing people expect from Republican leaders."

The Republican chair of the House Ethics and Anti-Hypocrisy Committee, called into emergency session and tasked with determining that the affair is in fact the fault of the Democrats, later said: "This should not be a partisan issue. The congressional pages are a great tradition loved by many members of congress, and their work should continue to be enjoyed on both sides of the house."

In an interview published this morning, Resident Bush gave a further, detailed justification of his decision not push for the resignations of Dumsfeld or Hastert, telling Washington Post journalist Woodstein Lackey: "They may be turds, but they're my turds."

Republicans may lose Senate

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