Labour pledges cut-price body mutilation for all

The government announced today it will fund tattoos and piercings for the unemployed. The DHSS confirmed grants will be available for people wishing to cover their bodies in tattoos and/or top-quality piercings.

A spokesperson for the DHSS said: "It seems grossly unfair that shoplifting single mums have to pay for what is considered in the UK a basic human right. Why should only those lucky enough to have a weekly pay packet be able to adorn themselves with swallows, snakes and sternum rings? These items should be available to all."

A spokesperson for New Labour added: "Traditionally, tattoos were the preserve of the armed forces and people who'd had a skinful at lunchtime and couldn't remember having them done. In recent years, however, the chattering classes have taken a lead from the dogs-on-string brigade and it isn't unusual for the hostess at a Home Counties dinner party to hitch up her skirt and wow her guests with a novelty Property Ladder tattoo snaking its way from her inner thigh to her neatly-trimmed mons pubis.

"These things cost money, though. Young people also need to express their individuality, but a simple butterfly on your arse can cost £35. Under the new scheme, a full-colour representation of a pouncing lion on your back should set you back just £3, leaving the disenfranchised enough cash for tabs, booze and other essential dietery needs.

"What's more, piercings for the under fives will be free, and pensioners can have up to 50 per cent of their body tattoed without paying a penny."

To be eligible, applicants under 65 must be unemployed and claiming benefit and will be required to show their benefit cards at new "licensed parlours". The government confirmed it will construct 4,000 new tattoo outlets with creche and needle bank facilities.

Councillor Jack Compost of Manchester's Monrovia ward enthused: "They will be like NHS walk-in centres — no need to book. The service really is top-notch. I tried out the pilot scheme in Bolton and walked away with a pit viper tattoed on my todger for just £2.50. Here, have a look..."

The government's plan has met with immediate approval among society's less-favoured members. We talked to Kyle Brandon-Steel and Lexibell Montana, two young unemployed wasters from Manchester. Kyle, who is a part-time DJ and freelance ramraider, has decided to have a giro cheque tattoo on his arm, with the day he collects it (Tuesday) inscribed in a border of interlaced syringes.

Lexibell is looking forward to having a Chinese dragon eating a burger inked into her calf, as well as a labia ring in 562 stainless steel. "I might go for a tongue piercing too," she admitted, "and if I've got a spare fiver I might get all of the kids' names done in Gothic script on my right arm. The tattoo bloke says he might be able to fit 'em all in if the writing's small enough."

Conservative reaction to the announcement was swift. A spokesman thundered: "We will match the government's funding for tattoos, and then some."

When asked if Mr Cameron had any tats or ironwork, he confirmed: "David has a monkey on his back, and George Osbourne has a Prince Albert. Theresa May, on the other hand, has two nip rings joined by a chain and when you pull it an MP3 breast implant plays Jerusalem. Hot stuff, I can tell you."

Other luminaries with tattoos include Jeffrey Archer, who had several done whilst he was in chokey — including a crude heart under which is inscribed "Fragrant Mary" — and Baroness Thatcher, who has cleverly concealed the "love" and "hate" motifs on her hands since Norman Tebbit etched them into her knuckles when she was unconcious through drink following a hearty celebration of the sinking of the General Belgrano during the 1982 Falklands War.

Previously

• Body piercing major obstacle to successful career
• Government pledges clampdown on binge drinking
• Revealed: The shocking state of British virgins