Monday 23rd October 2006
EU embraces newest member states
All aboard the gravy train...
by Greg Doublewank
Bulgarians and Romanians last night continued to celebrate their entry into the sacred cash cow that is the European Union in the traditional fashion — by attending mass rallies where experts offered advice in vital skills areas such as claiming UK Social Security and how to fill in a British betting slip.
Across Bucharest and Sofia, swan-roasting petty villains, paedos and pikeys alike toasted their good fortune at being legally allowed into any EU member state and given free rein to rob it blind.
However, the two countries' membership will be strictly monitored and subject to certain economic and political conditions. At the heart of the concern surrounding our newest Eurobrethren is their appalling corruption in government and public offices and their inability to control spiralling organised crime.
Our reporter discussed these measures with a Romanian Interior Ministry spokescrook, Mr. Nikolai Crispicrust, who outlined how his country will address these concerns from Brussels.
Mr. Crispicrust, how will your Country address corruption in Public Offices such as Police Forces and Customs checkpoints?
This is, of course, of paramount concern to us and we will be auditing and robustly rooting out corruption amongst our government officials. We propose to deal with these types of cases by neck shooting the offenders in the first instance. In the very worst of cases, however, we will remove them from office and export them, free of charge, to the United Kingdom.
I see. And what of the many petty thieves, paedophiles and pikeys that infest your country?
Well as you know, a large proportion of those have already left.
Yes, I know — they're currently thieving their way across Middle England. What of those who remain?
To begin, we will probably round them up and…
Neck shoot them?
Yes, and in the very worst of cases we will export them, free of charge, to the United Kingdom.
Uh Huh. But aren't you at all worried that a dramatic exodus from Romania will deplete your workforce?
Well, to be fair, there isn't very much work for anyone as it stands, except for mail order brides, adult film stars and bribe collectors.
What of your economic infrastructure and service industries? Who will maintain those?
Our systems will run perfectly well as they have done in the past. We will simply employ those who can offer…
The largest bribes to secure the positions?
Exactly.
So Mr. Crispicrust, what you are saying is that despite the concerns over bribery and corruption, Brussels really has nothing to worry about in your inclusion into the EU?
Not at all, I think we will fit in very well…