FAQ for Contributors

Do you accept contributions?

Yes we do. For several very simple reasons. First of all, there's, what, 10 different sections. If the two of us tried to fill each one with several stories each every week, we'd never have time to do anything else and that would mean we couldn't hold down a paying job. Hence, no money, budgetary cutbacks. End up on the dole. And quite frankly we're not willing to do that just for the sake of writing some humourous pieces – no matter how good.

The other side of course is that without fresh ideas and momentum all humour becomes stale. There's a lot of funny people out there, in every profession, and we just know that whenever Jim Davidson or somesuch appears on your TV screen and spouts cliché-ridden garbage in your face – to much applause and lucrative recording contracts – there's a small vessel in your brain that becomes inflamed with blood and rubs against some primitive receptors, sparking all manner of irrational and violent thoughts.

Equally, you buy a magazine and newspaper and it's only when you start fantasising about cutting all the heads off the other passengers in the bus and throwing them into passing convertibles that you realise this self-regarding pompous arsehole of a writer is not only getting paid for inflicting his attempts of humour at you but also thinks he is genuinely amusing.

Well worry no longer – relieve that pressure in your head and show the rest of the world what funny is. What humour, satire and ridicule really mean. Send it to us and we'll try and draw as much attention to it as possible.

Will we get paid for our world-beating insights and observations?

Nope. We'd like to argue that this is in keeping with the spirit of revolution we are trying to foster but that's clearly rubbish. The simple fact is that we don't have any money. The reason we don�t have any money is because we are generous people and feel that cash is a poor substitute to experience, friendship and knowledge.

But touchy-feely nonsense behind, we have also set up the Rockall Times because we figured it was time to work for ourselves and not take a slavery inducing wage packet every month. Our credo is Funny = Money. As such – and remembering that we are generous people – if the Rockall Times does become successful, we will immediately reward all those that have helped along the way.

It follows then that those who contributed when there was no financial gain – merely personal achievement – will be thought of more highly than those that only arrive when money is on the table.

Why should we bother to write anything then?

Why do kids climb trees? If you need the carrot of cash in order to do anything and have no feeling for personal satisfaction, the joy of having something with your name on it making others laugh, or just getting something out your head, then you are already lost.

On the other hand, if you desperately feel the need to get something out there and have found that the traditional routes for publication are blocked by talentless sycophants who know the right people, welcome. Write it and send it to us. Simple as that. We're not promising that we'll post it because at the end of the day it's whether we think it's right. But we won't be snotty about it. We might be rude, but snotty, no.

Equally, if you are a recognised humourist and simply wish to get something on our site, we'd be delighted to read your submissions as well.

Stop twatting on and tell me what you're after and I'll write it

Quit moaning – the above is a filtering mechanism for goldfish would-be satirists. This is the good stuff.

What are we looking for exactly? Tough one. Clearly the fact that's it's called The Rockall Times demonstrates an effort to make it newspaper-like. If you've read the history of Rockall, we also think you'll understand the basic premise. The paper is set up to reflect the views of the residents of Rockall – a UK-owned outcrop of rock miles off the coast of Scotland.

No one lives there of course because it's small and quite frankly rather unpleasant. But as a base for a satirical look at the world, we can think of none finer. As such, news that has any bearing on the UK can easily be tackled from the perspective of Rockall. Equally, world news is also ripe for such treatment.

On top of that though, there is no reason why the news ought to have really happened. Any made-up news that highlights or ridicules a particularly daft aspect of modern culture is just as welcome and valid. Probably more so – why wait around for a news story to explain quite how ridiculous electric toothbrushes are?

And then of course there is the indefinable – simply stuff that is funny, although you can't really be sure why. Tough one to pull off this, but when it works, it works beautifully.

The best thing you can do is read other stuff on the site and get a feel for how our twisted minds work.

Will I get a byline?

We don�t see why not. If you don't want us to use your real name, tell us and send a pseudonym you're happy with. Unless it's just plain daft, we'll run with this.IMPORTANT: If you don't send any name with your submission we will assume you want us to use your real name.

Does everything have to run through you?

Yep, cause it's our site. We exert total editorial control and we don�t apologise for it either. If you feel that if even one word were changed the whole piece would be destroyed then you are a very sad individual with too high an opinion of yourself.

We have our own filtering mechanism. Both heads of content – or vice-presidents of textual analysis as we prefer to be called – have to approve anything that goes up. The aim is to simply maintain the highest level of quality possible. We'd rather not post anything new at all and suffer the flames than cause regular readers to ponder whether we've gone off the boil.

Where do you stand with regard to copyright?

Well, anything that is on the site that anyone else nicks without our permission will incur our wrath. If someone offers us money for something you have sent us for free in order to reproduce it, we'll split it fifty-fifty – you because you wrote it, us because without us no one would have noticed. Fair enough?

If you send us something for free, you are saying that we have the right to post it on the site – The Rockall Times – but you retain the copyright. You can't moan either if someone else runs it but asks our permission and puts a link to the story on their site.

If we pay you for what you've written then we have the copyright and can do whatever the hell we want with it. We can reprint it on a pair of boxer shorts, put an 80-year-old granny in them, take a picture and then create a 30-foot poster out of it if that's what we fancy. You can still use it as well if you like though.

If you send us anything then you automatically subscribe to these rules. Even the granny stuff.

Is there anything you won't print?

Yeah, loads of stuff. Things that aren't funny for one. If you think it's funny but we don't, it just doesn't go on the site. That's because the world does not revolve around you. Nothing to stop you setting up your own site though.

Material that is nothing more than offensive garbage will just be binned. Simple as that. We should also mention here that currently we are tied down to words and the odd picture. Only go beyond this at the moment in the most important cases of hilarity.

We are opinionated, heartless, cynical realists. However we really, really dislike racists and bigots. You may find our unswerving criticism and mockery of public figures, organisations and soft-headed woolly liberals very funny but that does not mean we will find anything that preaches unnecessary hatred of people different to yourself anything but repugnant. Just so as you know.

Apart from that, everything else is fair game. We are not afraid of offending people but we won't set out deliberately to do so. We have a particular dislike for people that attempt to pressure others into thinking the way they do – even if that is currently deemed the "right way" to think about matters. We will defend our position and we will not change our mind. But most likely we'll just ignore you.

We scoff at the individuals that enjoy – are even addicted – to being offended. These poor souls have come to realise that the world is not as they imagined it and so the only way they feel that can justify their existence is to try and shame everyone else into behaving how they do. Sadly, though, folks, the world is different to how you imagined it and no one is ashamed about it. To gain pleasure only through negative means is a very destructive way to live your life.

Basically, if it's funny, it's funny – we'll work out the ethical considerations later.

Is there a certain way you'd like us to write any submission?

Ah, we're glad you ask us that: yes, there is. This is simply for reasons of continuity. If you picked up a magazine and each feature was written in a different way with different spelling and a different approach, you'd go mad. You may not believe us but you would – believe us.

For that reason, we have knocked up a style guide that we very strongly suggest you read before sending us anything. It will vastly improve your chances of getting something on the site. If you don't follow it, it means that one of us will have to go through your piece if we want to post it and change little bits here and there. That is very time consuming and incredibly boring, so we'd rather not do it.

To the extent that if may just prevent us from bothering and we may click the delete button instead. If you think you are so fabulously funny that we won't mind doing it just to get the work of genius up on the site, you are welcome to try.

The style is not just spellings, grammar etc but how to say something. Some of these are important because people tend to get very upset if you make a mockery of them. The people that tend to get the most upset are also the ones that would rather pay a lawyer thousands of pounds than simply take it on the chin. Do you see where we are coming from?

Anyway, read the bloody style guide and follow it, alright?

Where do we send our contributions?

Email them to us here.

Why didn't you post the address further up?

So that you would read all this bit first.

Ha! I just scrolled all the way down the bottom and read this and haven't read the rest of it

Good for you. And your chances of getting anything on the site are far smaller because of it.

Can I become a regular contributor?

It seems inevitable that if we consistently run pieces from the same people then we are going to give them preferential treatment. You'll know if you're getting it. You won't if you aren't. If you are a regular contributor and don't think you're getting it then you have too high an expectation of what preferential treatment is.

WARNING: If you are based in the UK, this deluxe treatment may include the odd compulsory editorial meeting in the pub. Tell your doctor beforehand. We accept no liability for any loss or damage that occurs at such a meeting.

Will I become famous?

No.

Will writing for you make me more attractive to women?

It seems unlikely.

What about men?

Don't know.

Will I feel better about myself?

With luck. Now leave us alone

Will it save my marriage?

Maybe.

Maybe?

Look we don't know. Now just piss off and write something

What about Johnny?

Who the hell is Johnny?

He's the drunk that's always by the station

What's he got to do with anything?

Nothing. Just thought I'd mention it

Well you have, no please go away, we're busy.

Yeah, okay. Sorry

That's fine. See you later.

Okay, bye

Bye.