The Rockall Times – FAQ

Why?

Why not? What do you do that's so worthwhile, eh? You sell a couple of lawnmowers a day, so what? Some people have shorter grass. You work in the City? You're just moving money around you bloody idiot. Pointless, absolutely pointless. A lawyer? You scum-sucking bastard — just reiterating hundreds of daft laws decided by pompous old gits so you can buy a nice house in the country and delude yourself that your life was dedicated to the defence of democracy rather than the preservation of a self-serving elite of inadequate Napoleons. TV personality? Fuc*k off. Nurse? Okay, fair enough. Prostitute? Tough one to call. If you only do it to support a drug habit, we're afraid not.

Who?

A loose collective of unpaid, unloved contributors led by stroppy social misfit Lester Haines.

Where?

Rockall, you idiot.

What?

That's what I said – idiot boy. Why do you think it's called The Rockall Times?

Oh right, you mean: what is it? Well it's an online version of the newspaper not produced to cover all the news and views for the inhabitants of the most isolated island in the world, Rockall.

We are the only inhabitants of Rockall (we'll discount the molluscs and visiting sea birds for the moment), so it tends to be rather heavy on our opinions and the news we're interested in. Since we already know what the news we're interested in is as soon as we go to write it, this may seem like a somewhat pointless exercise.

It was a hurdle we hit almost immediately in fact. Subsequently, we decided that rewriting the news in a humorous fashion was the only way to go forward. Very occasionally we even make up the news to make ourselves laugh. Well, it's either that or look at the sea again.

To satisfy your lust for Rockall facts, proceed directly to our Rockall Picture Gallery.

Take contributions?

Sure, why not? Of course, if it's not funny or if it's irrelevant, we'll just delete it. If you are consistently unfunny or irrelevant, we'll make a note of you. Go on and we'll try to assure you that there's nothing you can do, you simply aren't funny, why not become an accountant or something? Keep doing it and we'll just block your email address. Problem solved.

For those of you able to produce humorous or incisive text reflecting society as a whole and those within, we'll have a read of it. Can't promise anything mind. Aside from being funny, the best way to get something on The Rockall Times is to read the site and then read the Contributors' Guide, and then the Style Guide and then write something and then send it here.

Why are you so cynical?

Do you actually know what the word "cynic" means? Or are you one of these people that thinks by asking people why they are so cynical it reflects back on you some kind of benevolent, compassionate air? It doesn't, you know, it just makes you look like someone that can't handle the simple reality that people are unpleasant to others that they don't feel some kind of affinity with.

Okay, so what does cynic mean?

Well, the dictionary definition is: "Noun: person who believes that people always act selfishly." We think you'll find that in most of the subjects covered by The Rockall Times, cynicism is a very effective working method.

Humph

And while you're there, look up burlesque, deride, mordant, pillory, ridicule, sardonic and vitriolic.

I'm someone that commissions humorous pieces and since I work for older media that means I have a budget and can pay you for what you do for free on this site

Hi, how are you? You're looking well today. Nice suit. By the way, don't worry about all that stuff above. Especially the bit about lawyers, we love lawyers really. Where would we be without them? Well, where would you be without them? But, yes, we'd be happy to join your side of the fence. For a small fee of course.

Why don't you drop us a line here? Let's do lunch.

Hi. I'm someone that pays people money if they have a little advertisement for our product on their property — in your case, this Web site. We've found over the years that if a lot of people see a certain ad, there is an increased likelihood that they will buy the product and that makes us loads of money.

We've heard about this. In fact, we left some spaces in the design of the site for this very eventuality. Well, as long as we're not compelled to have to do anything other than show your advertisement in the hope than some of the people that read the Rockall Times are interested in it, we can't see the harm.

For more information on ad possibilities, have a shufti at our Media Kit Then contact us here.

Is this the end of The Rockall Times FAQ?

Yes.

No more questions?

No.

Oh.