Policy Announcement: Awards ceremonies (incl. the Oscars)

It won't have escaped your attention that the Academy Awards, for some reason called the Oscars, happened last weekend.

But wouldn't it be lovely if it had escaped your attention. If, somehow, you had managed to continue going about your normal day-to-day business and yet you hadn't heard a single, tiny, miniscule reference to the movie business' annual mutual masturbation frenzy?

Because, to be frank, the Oscars are quite the most revolting thing you are liable to see on TV before or after the watershed. Hundreds of pampered, and frequently deeply unpleasant people turn up, wallow in sycophantic applause, spent the whole time looking for TV cameras and then await for the decision of an elitist group of ego-maniacs to tell them they're good at their jobs.

But of course many many people watch it. Not because they want to see the attempted comedy routines put on by the person the TV networks most like at the moment (actors are terrible comedians, even when their lines are written for them by funny people); not because anyone really cares which film wins or loses; and not because it will have a bearing on our lives in any way.

So why do we watch it? Because it's an event. Millions of people watch the Grand National even though they never go to the horses (the same goes for the SuperBowl); billions watch the World Cup even though a good number of them can only name four or five footballers. The list goes on and on. If it's a big event, it acts as a social bond, people have a joint experience. And since we humans are social creatures, this sensation fills us with joy and makes us feel alive. It's a good thing.

Except, a quick impartial look at the Oscars will reveal that it has none of the qualities of other great shared events. Almost none of the people in the room are exceptional in as much as they are just famous. They are not required to demonstrate any skill on the day save sitting on their arses and looking pretty. They represent no one but themselves, despite Halle Berry's hysterical claims this year (which, incidentally, you will have forgotten about in two years' time — but will you ever forget Pele or Red Rum?). And the entire event — rather than being a struggle against an equal opponent, is nothing more than an elaborate and pretentious poll result.

It's not just the Oscars either. Nearly every televised award ceremony is of equal worth. Many of them exist solely to make money — where is the value of winning an award in that case? But it won't stop large groups of "celebrities" turning up because these people are obsessed with complete strangers throwing huge doses of praise their way, even though they have no idea what that person is really like. That is not a healthy way for a human to behave and rather than giving it a spotlight, they should really be confined to a secure compound where TVs show images of themselves all day and five-minute recordings of wild applause start every time they open the door.

The only solution therefore - and thus the stated policy of The Rockall Times - is to completely ignore all such events. Because if the fuel of publicity is removed, people will question whether this event is worth their while watching when they could be at the theatre or talking to their friends in the pub or playing with their kids in the lounge. Or any other activity those enlarges your life instead of encouraging other people to view their life as more significant than others'.