Policy announcement: Bono and Sting

While we have hitherto maintained a dignified silence regarding roving pop pundits, this week's news that rock guru and all-round do-gooder Bono has been bending the ear of hapless US supremo George Bush is more than we can bear.

If it's not bad enough that pop celebrities believe that having knocked out a couple of half-decent tunes qualifies them to act (David Bowie take note), it's now apparent that several platinum albums is sufficient grounds on which to give forth on a range of complex and sensitive international issues.

There was a time when a musician's whistle-stop tour involved prancing around in front of 10,000 lighter-waving teenagers. Now it's more likely to be delivering a stern lecture to President Mugabe and having your picture taken with the fuc*king Pope.

We say this: Gentlemen, the only thing we want to hear coming out of your mouths in future is an acoustic version of Roxanne for MTV's Unplugged. Yes, we're worried about the rainforest. Yes, world hunger is very distressing, especially to a conscience-stricken multi-millionaire. But, for the love of all that's holy, stick a cheque in the post to Oxfam and shut the fuc*k up.

That is The Rockall Times' formal policy concerning Bono and Sting.