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Policy announcement: The euro

Europe has a new currency. No longer do the franc, the deutschmark, the lira, punt or drachma range the open steppes of Eurolandia. Gone are the guilder, escudo, peseta, schilling and markka. For yeah verily, this is the dawning of the age of the euro - a time of laughter and plenty where banknotes can survive the washing machine intact and coins will always say "heads I win, tails you lose".

This has not, however, prevented us Brits from adopting a wait-and-see approach - complete with five economic tests that can be quickly and easily fudged depending on the lie of the political land. It is therefore of prime importance that we define a clear and precise policy toward the euro. Only in this way can we guarantee that citizens are fully armed with the facts necessary to vote in line with government policy when the fateful hour arrives.

We have carefully studied every UK political party's suggestion, proposal, announcement and rant, as well as each national newspaper's stance. Below is our determined policy gleaned from this cumulative research. It takes the form of several pledges for all future reference to the new currency:

We pledge

• To adopt a completely biased and one-sided approach for every story on the euro. This will include quoting only from individuals who agree with us; using strong positive adjectives in front of every word that follows our standpoint; mocking anyone who disagrees with us; and using blatant and grossly unsubtle graphics in defence of our point.
• To include as few facts as possible in any story. Instead we promise to rely on emotion, bigotry, fake passion and occasional xenophobia to get our point across. Mentions of our own ability to rule ourselves will be obligatory as will the word "bureaucracy".
• To lie and scaremonger at every opportunity. With the slightest shift in the euro value against the dollar we will immediately hire six or seven pundits to agree with our point of view and make it seem like an important event.
• To simplify the world's most complicated financial systems down to the cost of a pint of beer or milk. Unfavourable comparisons of CD prices across Europe will be deployed whenever appropriate.
• To hold up leading European figures as icons and make them appear either comedy foreigners or gifted and prescient statesmen, depending on whether or not we like the cut of their jib. Also, to coax TV personalities or film actors/actresses who haven't got the first idea about economics to endorse our stance next to a picture of them in a revealing top.
• To adopt the opposing view of our principal rival.
• Make the argument that whatever our position is, it is good for British business and UK plc. This will be supported by a new survey that says just that. We will ignore those surveys or reports that indicate otherwise.
• To support or organise publicity stunts that help strengthen the feeling that debate on the euro can be carried out only through shouting and by voicing parochial concerns.
• To use headlines that support the approach listed above. For example: "Euro going to die"; "Hitler planned euro terror Blitz"; "If you don't love the euro, you're a child molestor"; "The euro wants its Pound of flesh"; "The euro's a fuc*king stupid idea"; "The euro saved my baby" etc.
• Ignore the fact that there is probably little more tedious in life than a currency.

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