The Rockall Times' Mission Statement

What we believe

We believe that a pompous mission statement is crucial to the successful growing of any business. The greater the level of self-satisfied pomposity, the better the chances of success. Meetings are also good – the more the merrier – as is expensive office furniture and a snappy suit.

We believe that it our duty to expose to ridicule and lambastation all lies, pomposity, disinformation, arrogance and pretentiousness wherever and whenever they occur.

We defend the individual's right to freedom of speech. Except, that is, when the individual exercises such right in order to criticise The Rockall Times. In such cases we in turn reserve the right to adopt a Taliban-style approach to personal liberties. This may involve bodies hanging from construction cranes by piano wire, or possibly the odd hand being cut off.

We believe that Rockall is the sovereign territory of the Her Majesty's Government. It is as British as a bungalow-filled suburban cul-de-sac; as British as chicken tikka masala, the doner kebab and tinned spaghetti; more British, indeed, than sixteen pints of lager in an Irish theme pub. We therefore support the United Kingdom's claim to the volcanic outcrop of Rockall and the oil-rich platform that surrounds it.

Our core purpose

The dissemination of humour through Yeast Logic for personal financial gain.

Our core values

We have no religious or political affiliations.

We will not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, creed, religious or political beliefs or sexual orientation. Our content may, nevertheless, occasionally or frequently reflect the editors' personal prejudice and bias.

We adhere to the UK's voluntary code of journalistic practice regarding the privacy of individuals. This right to privacy does not extend to bent politicians, vacuous sports personalities, educationally sub-normal pop celebrities, self-important media commentators, sociopathic dotcom yuppies and Feng Shui consultants.

The 20-year plan

To prove the maxim that funny = money. That is, to mercilessly exploit our audience through demographic profiling, sociological reader base analysis, targeted advertising, promotions, spam, cookies, Flash, pop-ups, pop-unders, roll-ons, roll-overs, roll-ups, stitch-ups and frequency-capped floating rich media extravaganzas.

In twenty years? On a private jet to South America with our stable of bitches. And a suitcase full of your money.