Policy announcement: The Peoples' Republic of Rockall

On 16 June 2005, an assault team from The Rockall Times successfully landed on the sacred islet of Rockall, thereby bringing to an end almost 50 years of British rule of the world's remotest outcrop.

At 10.30am, from Hall's Ledge atop the rock, the Rockall Times' Home Affairs secretariat immediately carried out its first ceremonial duty: to declare smoking obligatory on Rockall. As team member Al Baker put it: "There's not a lot of room up here and non-smokers whining about people smoking will just piss off the smokers."

Since that fateful moment, teams of constitutional experts have been puffing away merrily on high-tar cigarettes while pondering some of the trickier legslative questions surrounding Rockall. Here are the results of their efforts:

The Peoples' Republic of Rockall

The Peoples' Republic of Rockall is, as decreed on 16 June 2005, a polymonarchical republic. All acting heads of state get their own throne, although each is personally responsible for securely lashing it to the sacred islet.

Statutes

Here, in alphabetical order, are all of the current Rockall statutes. Potential visitors or those applying for citizenship are requested to read them thoroughly:

Age of consent

The ages of consent for sexual activities are:

• Snogging, no tongues: 8 years
• Heavy petting: 10
• Heterosexual intercourse: 14 (11 on council estates)
• Homosexual liason: 21 (12 if by mutual written consent or within a Public School environment)
• Executive relief: 14
• Spit roasting: 16 (females); 18 (males)
• Sex with farmyard animals: 65
• Heterosexual anal: You must be bloody joking

Bono

Bono is illegal on Rockall and anywhere on the island's territorial waters. And his mate Sting, too. Our official policy on the matter of roving rock pundits can be found here.

Currency

The official currency of Rockall is the Pound Sterling, although bars and shops will take just about anything, excluding:

• Euro coins of French origin
• The Icelandic Björk
• The Irish Craic
• The Danish Bacon
• The Zimbabwean Mugabe
• The Congolese AK-47
• The Palestinian Gaza

Denmark

Readers are directed to our formal policy here.

Education

State education is free and obligatory for all those under 16. Government representatives may, however, opt out at their discretion and send their offspring to the presitgious St Kilda Academy for Affluent People's Gifted Offspring. They will not be expected to justify this, and citizens are requested not to kick up too much of a fuss.

The Environment

The Peoples' Republic of Rockall is committed to a cleaner, sustainable lifestyle. Accordingly, it is illegal to drill for oil on Rockall and citizens are requested to use the bottle bank outside the Fighting Dog and Pikey. Newspapers should be recycled by cutting into small squares to serve as toilet paper, after which they can safely be thrown straight into the Atlantic.

Fuel duty

The duty on fuel is £4.30 per litre, except unleaded, low-sulphur, whale-friendly biodiesel, which is taxed at the rate of £4.28 per litre. The dispensing of fuel in gallons is punishable by death, or a fine not exceeding £25.

GM Organisms

Absolutely not — unless it's to produce a Labrador/dolphin hybrid which can swin to St Kilda for the mail in under an hour, and bring you your slippers when you whistle.

Henman, "Tiger" Tim

Any temp secretary who paints a Union Jack on her face and shouts "Come on Tim!" in public during Wimbledon will be slapped — hard.

Identity cards

Following the terrible events of 9/11, 7/7, 7/11 and 24/7, the carrying of biometric ID cards at all times is obligatory. The penalty for not presenting the card when requested in three months' detention without trial. Cards contain the following data:

• National ID register number
• Blood type
• Medical history
• Credit history
• Shoe size (UK standard)
• Political affiliation
• Inside leg measurement
• Travel data for the last ten years

Under Rockall's data protection legislation — as drafted by a very helpul Charles Clarke — this information will not be shared with any other soveriegn power, except the US.

Immigration

The Peoples' Republic of Rockall welcomes immigrants, refugees and international riff-raff, flotsam and jetsam of any origin, subject to the following conditions:

• No hook-handed, ragheaded Islamic "scholars"
• No swan-roasting Albanians unless they have a C&G in plumbing
• No Canadians who cannot prove an aptitude at racket sports
• No roving rock pundits
• No reality TV contestants, no matter how large their breasts
• No Irish
• No Danes
• No Icelanders
• No jeans
• No trainers

Licensing

Rockall establishments are free to offer alcohol 24 hours a day. The minimum drinking age is four. Visitors should not that bare-knuckle fighting is legal in all the island's bars and clubs after midnight on Friday and Saturday.

MDF

MDF — aka "God's Shelving" — is generally welcomed for all small to medium-sized DIY projects within the Peoples' Republic of Rockall. You attention is drawn, however, to our formal policy on the material.

Public holidays

The Republic's main celebration is Rockall Day: 16 June. In addition, Rockall celebrates all UK holidays and also those of Spain and Portugal. Accordingly, the one working day of the year is 16 May, unless it falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case it is also a holiday.

Speed limit

The speed limit on all Rockall's roads is 240mph. The courts may consider a higher limit acceptable if the culprit is able to sufficiently convince the magistrate in an indignant tone that driving as fast as one pleases is a God-given right brought down by Moses inscribed in stone.

Swearing

Too fuc*king right.

Tax

Income tax is charged at the standard rate of one per cent, rising to 40 per cent for the top tax bracket, ie, those earning more than the minumum wage of 60p an hour.

Television

Television is largely unregulated on Rockall but must not, under any circumstances, transmit:

• Extended coverage of socially-inadequate people locked in a house together.
• Advertisements claiming that purchasing a motor car will transform your life beyond recognition and make you irresistable to the opposite sex.
• Gratuitous violence, including members of the government administering savage beatings to irate voters.
• Scenes of a sexual nature likely to cause offence, ie, b-list celebrities masturbating pigs.
• Roving rock pundit Bono giving forth on any subject whatsoever.

Titmuss, Abi

It is illegal on Rockall and all its territorial waters to:

• Flash one's beef curtains to baying paparazzi while exiting taxis at film premieres.
• Suck the hideously engorged members of Satan-worshipping former TV presenters.
• Release video footage of the above onto the internet.

Tobacco

Smoking is obligatory on Rockall. Cigarettes are taxed at £6.31 a packet.

Voltage

The standard voltage on Rockall is 12V DC. In the absence of a suitable car battery, it is 1.5V or any muliple thereof depending on how many AA batteries are currently available.

Xylophones

The use of the word "xylophone" to plug otherwise plausible alphabetical lists is strictly prohibited. Use "xoanon" or "xyster".

Xoanons

The trade is primitive wooden effigies of deities carved from endangered African hardwoods is hereby banned. A first offence carries a penalty not exceeding three-and-sixpence or an afternoon in the stocks.

Ylang-ylang

The addition of tropical products to cosmetics on the grounds that their exotic names promise miraculous properties is prohibited under the "Prevention of Jojoba Act 2005". Likewise, the punting of vitamin A under the name "Pro-Retinol A" is punishable by flogging, as is using a grinning Andy Macdowell to promote rejuvenating unctions of any description.

Ziggurats

The construction of Babylonian-style, sun-dried brick step pyramids on Rockall is permitted as long as the base area does not exceed 20,000m² and the appropriate licence has been granted. Please refer all planning applications to the Rockall Planning Directorate, Pyramid Section (Brick and clay sub-office), Babylonian and Assyrian Department. Please note that this office does not grant licences for Sphinxes, ornamental fountains and/or hanging gardens. These fall under the auspices of the Seven Wonders Section of the Las Vegas Gaming and Licensing Board.