Policy announcement: The Spice Girls

We want you to know that we will never, ever subject you to pictures of the five bints that formed the pop band the Spice Girls – whether that be Posh, Ginger, Scary, Baby or Sporty (or Common, Irritating, Mouthy, Stupid and Dyke, as we like to call them).

This applies whether they are working together or separately, or at all, whether they are launching an over-produced single, starring in some god-awful movie or just turning up to another stomach-churning media event.

Equally, wearing ridiculous clothes, entering a shop, leaving a shop, kissing a man, woman or animal, doing yoga, feng shui or callisthetics will not warrant a photo on this site. The Alexander technique is right out.

Whether walking, talking, pouting, eating, shouting or trying to sing, none of these terrible women will be featured on this site. We don't care if any of them manage to get any thinner (or fatter in the case of Dyke Spice). We have absolutely no interest in what they think or what they wear. If one of other of them is diagnosed with a wasting disease, we may report the fact but will not run a picture.

However, if a crazed gunman blasts one of them at close range in a public place, we will bid for the photos.

We like to think that our commonsense stance on refusing to feature pics of these modern-day gargoyles will set the ball in motion. A gradual anti-spice movement. Publicity boycotts. Barracking in the street would be nice.

Sadly, in the rush for the lowest common denominator, others are unlikely to follow our lead. The Rockall Times will continue regardless and provide a window of sanity for you, our loyal readers.

Incidentally, this policy does not apply to any doctored pictures we may knock up occasionally for the purposes of humiliation, entertainment or mockery.

Thanks for your time. Together we will win.