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Media mogul in mediocrity muddle

Daily Mail Editor Paul Dacre was unavailable for comment last night as sensational revelations about his private life were made public by an unnamed member of staff.

"It's true," the Associated Newspapers employee claimed on Tuesday. "He's as dull as ditchwater. Really awfully boring. He doesn't even have any hobbies. Look in Who's Who if you don't believe me."

The shocking allegation sent rival hacks scurrying to libraries and provoked four double-page splashes the next day. The veteran editor and his brother, Nigel Dacre, head of Independent Television News, were said to be furious. Leaping to the family's defence, Nigel snarled: "We grew up together. These allegations are unfair, you should have seen him at the Christmas party, he was the life and soul."

Questioned about a lack of recreational pursuits under his own entry in the weighty tome listing Britain's great and good, Nigel shouted: "You bastards should look for the beauty inside for once. Sporting prowess isn't everything. So what if Paul runs like a girl?"

In a surprise retaliation, the mystery source at the Daily Mail again broke cover. "I saw him at that party. He stood like a prick in front of this ice sculpture of Norman Tebbit. We were allowed two soft drinks each before they did the annual redundancy draw. If that's the 'life and soul' then my name's not Tony from accounts."

Furious phone calls were then reportedly made to tabloid newsrooms in a vain effort to trace the whistleblower, but in a twist reminiscent of black and white films from the fifties (not the ones set in Africa) rival media chiefs relished informing Dacre's flunkies that their sources were strictly confidential. Sun spokeswoman, Nikki, 19, from Essex, pointed out that she didn't care if the Mail was "in" with the Metropolitan Police, and offered to flash her tits.

There was no sign of Dacre this morning at either his luxury London flat or his country retreat in Sussex. However, a Daily Star exclusive revealed that a woman claiming to be Mrs Dacre telephoned their offices after closing time last night to say that her husband suffered from a wasting disease, sobbing that she should have married the dentist and that mother had been right all along.

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